I just came back from auditions for a student-written murder mystery play, and I think mine went relatively well. Now I just have to wait to hear back from two separate directors, and in the meantime keep my fingers crossed that both wish to see me again.
I have a French quiz tomorrow that already has caused my stomach to knot itself.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Attention Deficit
French is so pointless for me to learn! I am struggling immensely because of my stupid ADHD. I cannot remember anything anymore.
P.S. Happy Groundhog's Day!!
P.S. Happy Groundhog's Day!!
Monday, January 31, 2011
"Oh be careful!--if you breathe, it breaks."
It has been an extraordinarily long day, and even though I feel exhausted and would love more than anything to crawl under my comforter and fall asleep right now, I am really happy because I was so productive today!
Today I:
-slept late! My Scottish Lit class was canceled so I was able to sleep until 8:40. It was lovely.
-completed my French composition.
-worked in the dining hall from 12:30-2:30.
-did all of my laundry.
-went to the gym for an hour.
-auditioned for The Glass Menagerie by Tennessee Williams.
-did not give in to the temptation to watch "90210" or "The Bachelor" instead of doing work.
In order to go to bed, all I have to do is read fifty more pages of Rob Roy and study French for about an hour. I can do this! With any luck I will be pajama-ed and under the covers by midnight. It is amazing to me how happy I feel. Putting myself through a constant "go, go, go!" today was tiresome in the moment, but looking back this kind of pace is seriously so rewarding. I feel less stressed already. =)
Title quote, The Glass Menagerie by Tennessee Williams.
Today I:
-slept late! My Scottish Lit class was canceled so I was able to sleep until 8:40. It was lovely.
-completed my French composition.
-worked in the dining hall from 12:30-2:30.
-did all of my laundry.
-went to the gym for an hour.
-auditioned for The Glass Menagerie by Tennessee Williams.
-did not give in to the temptation to watch "90210" or "The Bachelor" instead of doing work.
In order to go to bed, all I have to do is read fifty more pages of Rob Roy and study French for about an hour. I can do this! With any luck I will be pajama-ed and under the covers by midnight. It is amazing to me how happy I feel. Putting myself through a constant "go, go, go!" today was tiresome in the moment, but looking back this kind of pace is seriously so rewarding. I feel less stressed already. =)
Title quote, The Glass Menagerie by Tennessee Williams.
rêve en technicolor
Things were better today. I cleaned my part of the room and it is spotless and that makes me happy. Also this morning Briana informed me that a few nights ago, I spoke fluent French while I was asleep! I am so excited about that, and more than a little humored at the fact that only while I dream am I able to speak coherently in other languages.
P.S. Happy birthday, Cody!
P.P.S. Congratulations, Bryan, on becoming an uncle...again!
P.S. Happy birthday, Cody!
P.P.S. Congratulations, Bryan, on becoming an uncle...again!
Saturday, January 29, 2011
excerpt; The Bear In a Boat
"The slack sail shifts from side to side,
The boat, untrimm'd, admits the tide,
Borne down, adrift, at random tost,
The oar breaks short, the rudder's lost."
-John Gay, Fables
The boat, untrimm'd, admits the tide,
Borne down, adrift, at random tost,
The oar breaks short, the rudder's lost."
-John Gay, Fables
Friday, January 28, 2011
Shiputchin:
"Two friends one summer evening walked, and sagely of deep matters talked. ...Tell me not thy youth is ruined, poisoned by my jealous love..."
-Excerpt from The Anniversary by Anton Chekhov
-Excerpt from The Anniversary by Anton Chekhov
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
April
No one's despair is like my despair--
You have no place in this garden
thinking such things, producing
the tiresome outward signs; the man
pointedly weeding an entire forest,
the woman limping, refusing to change clothes
or wash her hair.
Do you suppose I care
if you speak to one another?
But I mean you to know
I expected better of two creatures
who were given minds: if not
that you would actually care for each other
at least you would understand
grief is distributed
between you, among all your kind, for me
to know you, as deep blue
marks the wild scillon, white
the wood violet.
-Louise Glück
The Wild Iris
You have no place in this garden
thinking such things, producing
the tiresome outward signs; the man
pointedly weeding an entire forest,
the woman limping, refusing to change clothes
or wash her hair.
Do you suppose I care
if you speak to one another?
But I mean you to know
I expected better of two creatures
who were given minds: if not
that you would actually care for each other
at least you would understand
grief is distributed
between you, among all your kind, for me
to know you, as deep blue
marks the wild scillon, white
the wood violet.
-Louise Glück
The Wild Iris
Day One.
Today was my first day of second-semester classes. I had Scottish Lit bright and early this morning, at 8:35, and my professor seems nice enough. The class is rather large (twenty-two), so I am unsure how much I am going to like the atmosphere (I almost always prefer smaller English classes), but I am excited about the [enormous] course load, and ready to learn more about a large part of my heritage. I had French today, as well, about which I was more than a little nervous, because I may or may not have forgotten to review over break....oops. But Madame Holden-Avard is as wonderful as ever, and I am determined to bounce back!
The weirdest part of today was when I woke up this morning. In my dream I had just arrived, dressed in a black floor-length evening dress, to a performance by the New York Philharmonic. Right as the orchestra began to swell with the first notes of the piece, my cell phone burst into "You & I Both" by Jason Mraz, simultaneously jolting me from my sleep (it was the alarm on my real cell phone going off) and embarrassing the crap out of me as I sat, in my dream, among hundreds of upper-crust socialites and tried to silence my phone. Bizarrrrrre.
The weirdest part of today was when I woke up this morning. In my dream I had just arrived, dressed in a black floor-length evening dress, to a performance by the New York Philharmonic. Right as the orchestra began to swell with the first notes of the piece, my cell phone burst into "You & I Both" by Jason Mraz, simultaneously jolting me from my sleep (it was the alarm on my real cell phone going off) and embarrassing the crap out of me as I sat, in my dream, among hundreds of upper-crust socialites and tried to silence my phone. Bizarrrrrre.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
T-minus 30 hours.
I hate packing.
The song of the day is "Bright Lights, Bigger City" by Cee Lo Green, the same genius who, as one-half of Gnarls Barkley, released the song "Crazy," another excellent track. But last weekend, Cee Lo Green was the musical guest on SNL and he sang both "F**k You" and this song, which I was so happy about! I cannot stop listening to it. His performance was amazing, too, not to mention how much I loved his modern take on Robert Palmer's all-female ensemble.
"Friday's cool, but there's something
about Saturday night.
You can't say what you won't do
'cause you know you just might."
The song of the day is "Bright Lights, Bigger City" by Cee Lo Green, the same genius who, as one-half of Gnarls Barkley, released the song "Crazy," another excellent track. But last weekend, Cee Lo Green was the musical guest on SNL and he sang both "F**k You" and this song, which I was so happy about! I cannot stop listening to it. His performance was amazing, too, not to mention how much I loved his modern take on Robert Palmer's all-female ensemble.
"Friday's cool, but there's something
about Saturday night.
You can't say what you won't do
'cause you know you just might."
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Sun in the sky, you know how I feel.
Rachael and I just coordinated our flights for spring break! I cannot believe that in less than two months, I will be spending a week here!
Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Hoover Flaps
Flying is so expensive these days!
The song of the day is "Static Waves" by Andrew Belle (featuring Katie Herzig). Meghan first introduced me to Andrew Belle a few weeks ago and I am now obsessed with him. I love his voice and I love his lyrics. All of his music is fantastic (also check out "The Ladder" and "Add It Up"). His music heavily features strings, particularly the banjo, and the plucky beginning to "Static Waves" combined with his soft vocals and Katie Herzig's harmonies make it a wonderful song.
"The static waves across the screen
define this notion
back and forth and in between
like my emotion,
and I know you're never going to understand
and won't you slow this down, oh, if you can?"
The song of the day is "Static Waves" by Andrew Belle (featuring Katie Herzig). Meghan first introduced me to Andrew Belle a few weeks ago and I am now obsessed with him. I love his voice and I love his lyrics. All of his music is fantastic (also check out "The Ladder" and "Add It Up"). His music heavily features strings, particularly the banjo, and the plucky beginning to "Static Waves" combined with his soft vocals and Katie Herzig's harmonies make it a wonderful song.
"The static waves across the screen
define this notion
back and forth and in between
like my emotion,
and I know you're never going to understand
and won't you slow this down, oh, if you can?"
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Today is my
last day of work at the EcoTarium this break. We're having a full staff meeting, which I am such a nerd to admit I am excited for! I haven't seen most of my coworkers since this summer, so it will be nice to catch up with them for a few hours and see how things have been. I guess we are gathering to discuss the quality of the museum tours that we have been giving during our birthday parties. Some hosts, it turns out, make up information when they forget what to say, which, I think, probably goes over fine with the kids, who are too excited for cake and ice cream to really notice, but is likely intercepted by the parents who are smart enough to realize that a polar bear doesn't eat penguins, because penguins live in the South Pole and polar bears live in the North Pole. I worked at the EcoTarium from 9-5 yesterday, and it was my first time working straight through the day there. I was absolutely exhausted by the time I got home, but I am really glad that I did it. It really opened my eyes about parenting, though: if after spending eight hours with a bunch of screaming five-year olds I am too tired to even complete coherent sentences, imagine how hard it must be for mothers and fathers to devote most of their time to raising their children. I have even more respect for my parents now. Three girls are a handful.
Tonight we are finally taking down the Christmas decorations. We are a little late in the season to be unstringing the lights and everything, but even still, a part of me will be sad to see all the twinkling go away. All the sparkle makes life so cheerful.
Tonight we are finally taking down the Christmas decorations. We are a little late in the season to be unstringing the lights and everything, but even still, a part of me will be sad to see all the twinkling go away. All the sparkle makes life so cheerful.
Friday, January 14, 2011
C217
Today I went to the high school to visit with Mr. Tarmey for a while. As soon as I rounded the stairwell corner and knocked on his door, he stood up and gave me the biggest hug. We situated ourselves among the desks (how different they are from the ones in college!) and we just talked and talked and talked. I told him about school, about my discontent with the theatre department but my unexpected decision not to transfer, about my roommates, about Virginia Woolf. We actually spent quite a bit of time talking about her. Being the dork that I am, I brought Mrs. Dalloway and J.M. Coetzee's Foe with me and pulled them out as our conversation turned to literature. Anyone else would likely have rolled their eyes or laughed at me, but Mr. Tarmey motioned for Mrs. Dalloway and started leafing through the book as if he had been expecting me to bring it all along. We talked about Clarissa and about Septimus, and he told me all about the film version. He made other Woolf recommendations for me, as well. I asked him about his AP classes this year. Right now, they're halfway through Beloved, and I am excited for them, because Toni Morrison changes lives with that book. I know that sounds crazy, but she changed my life, because she made me excited to write again. Mr. Tarmey says that huge U.S. corporations, in conjunction with smaller math and science foundations, are attempting to affect the way that schools run AP classes. He told me, for instance, that they are trying to encourage teachers not to assign summer reading. I think that is the biggest mistake they could possibly make, particularly because English does not equal math or science...I don't know. I think I'm rambling, maybe? In any case, Mr. Tarmey and I both agreed that ExxonMobil has little to no place attempting to rework the AP Literature system.
If Mr. Tarmey ever sees this post, he'll likely think I'm obsessed with him in a very bizarre way. I would just like to reassure him (and anyone else concerned about my sanity) that I have nothing but the deepest, utmost respect for him. He, just like Toni Morrison, changed my life and the way I look at the written word.
AHHHHHH visiting him seriously made my day, my week, my month.
If Mr. Tarmey ever sees this post, he'll likely think I'm obsessed with him in a very bizarre way. I would just like to reassure him (and anyone else concerned about my sanity) that I have nothing but the deepest, utmost respect for him. He, just like Toni Morrison, changed my life and the way I look at the written word.
AHHHHHH visiting him seriously made my day, my week, my month.
12:12
I feel as if my life has become incredibly boring. The people around me are so fascinating and I am just...not.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Pride
I was so productive today! Vacation is wonderful but it has a tendency to make me lethargic. Today I fought myself and instead of lounging around, I finally completed a lot of the things that up until now have had practically permanent spots on my "to-do" list. E-mails, resumes, job queries - all of it, done!
It's the little things.
It's the little things.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Just Like a Giant Spotlight
Happy things:
-Had lunch with Leanne and Katie
-Ran into Ms. Hedberg and a few other friends at the high school this afternoon
-Completed my collection of Andrew Belle's entire discography
The song of the day is "The Show" by Lenka. I love her voice and the simplicity and innocence she brings to her music.
"I'm just a little bit caught in the middle.
Life is a maze and love is a riddle.
I don't know where to go, can't do it alone:
I've tried, and I don't know why."
-Had lunch with Leanne and Katie
-Ran into Ms. Hedberg and a few other friends at the high school this afternoon
-Completed my collection of Andrew Belle's entire discography
The song of the day is "The Show" by Lenka. I love her voice and the simplicity and innocence she brings to her music.
"I'm just a little bit caught in the middle.
Life is a maze and love is a riddle.
I don't know where to go, can't do it alone:
I've tried, and I don't know why."
Monday, January 10, 2011
Surreality
"The world today doesn't make sense, so why should I paint pictures that do?"
-Pablo Picasso
-Pablo Picasso
Six Things
In keeping with my New Year's Resolution, some things that made me happy today:
01. I had brunch today with Katie, Kate, Yona, and Ariel, and it was nice catching up for a few hours. They all have such interesting stories and so many fascinating plans for the next few years! I am so glad I was able to see them.
02. I am hopefully going to see Mr. Tarmey later this week! I miss the man immensely and have so much to tell him and so much to ask. Maybe we will even digress into a discussion about Mrs. Dalloway. I would love that! A few days ago, my friend Haley told me that he showed this year's AP Lit class the poster puzzle I made for Heart of Darkness last year. Surely it makes me seem very silly, but hearing that he held onto my project and also took the (brief) time to share it with others makes me so unbelievably happy. That man single-handedly changed my relationship with literature, and is by far the most influential teacher I had in high school. I hope anyone who has the opportunity to take his classes appreciates just how wonderful and insightful he is.
03. I watched "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly" with Emily this afternoon. Clint Eastwood was so handsome! I often categorize him with Paul Newman: both were stunningly attractive in their younger years, and so talented too. Westerns aren't usually my thing but this movie is an exception. Also Ennio Morricone composed the score for the film, which I love because he also wrote the score for "The Mission," which has become one of my favorite scores ever.
04. I am definitely staying at Mount Holyoke College. The decision was not an easy one to make, but I think it will be the right decision in the long run, and I am excited to see what will happen.
05. The book Earth (courtesy of Jon Stewart and the rest of the team from "The Daily Show") is an excellent and humorous read with startlingly accurate portrayals of the way humans have lived in the past and now live today. I laughed so hard, and I highly recommend that anyone with some spare time should pick up a copy and enjoy it from cover to cover.
06. "Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today." (Mark Twain)
01. I had brunch today with Katie, Kate, Yona, and Ariel, and it was nice catching up for a few hours. They all have such interesting stories and so many fascinating plans for the next few years! I am so glad I was able to see them.
02. I am hopefully going to see Mr. Tarmey later this week! I miss the man immensely and have so much to tell him and so much to ask. Maybe we will even digress into a discussion about Mrs. Dalloway. I would love that! A few days ago, my friend Haley told me that he showed this year's AP Lit class the poster puzzle I made for Heart of Darkness last year. Surely it makes me seem very silly, but hearing that he held onto my project and also took the (brief) time to share it with others makes me so unbelievably happy. That man single-handedly changed my relationship with literature, and is by far the most influential teacher I had in high school. I hope anyone who has the opportunity to take his classes appreciates just how wonderful and insightful he is.
03. I watched "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly" with Emily this afternoon. Clint Eastwood was so handsome! I often categorize him with Paul Newman: both were stunningly attractive in their younger years, and so talented too. Westerns aren't usually my thing but this movie is an exception. Also Ennio Morricone composed the score for the film, which I love because he also wrote the score for "The Mission," which has become one of my favorite scores ever.
04. I am definitely staying at Mount Holyoke College. The decision was not an easy one to make, but I think it will be the right decision in the long run, and I am excited to see what will happen.
05. The book Earth (courtesy of Jon Stewart and the rest of the team from "The Daily Show") is an excellent and humorous read with startlingly accurate portrayals of the way humans have lived in the past and now live today. I laughed so hard, and I highly recommend that anyone with some spare time should pick up a copy and enjoy it from cover to cover.
06. "Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today." (Mark Twain)
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Nice Sweaters
The song of the day is "You and I" by Ingrid Michaelson, because for some reason as of late it has been stuck in my head and I hum it all the time, so I figure I might as well express my apparent love for it through some other vessel.
"Well you might be a bit confused
and you might be a little bit bruised
but baby, how we spoon like no one else.
So I will help you read those books
if you will soothe my worried looks
and we will put the lonesome on the shelf."
"Well you might be a bit confused
and you might be a little bit bruised
but baby, how we spoon like no one else.
So I will help you read those books
if you will soothe my worried looks
and we will put the lonesome on the shelf."
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Whoa 2011
No resolutions for me this year, except perhaps to be even more open to the little bits of happiness hiding everywhere, every day. Today is Emily's 21st birthday, which is crazy and weird and awesome and humbling. We're currently watching "Whip It" together on the couch, but have no definitive plans for the rest of the afternoon, and I like that. In other news, I have a 4.0 GPA in college, and I may not transfer after all.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Sledding!
This morning I woke up to my dad making waffles in his new Belgian waffle maker. They were delicious and promptly afterward my entire family settled down to watch "Toy Story 3." I had yet to see it (none of us had seen it yet, actually) and it was so delightful! I cried more than once - a result, I think, not only of the excellent writing and my soft heart, but also of the nostalgia and poignancy of having grown up with the films. I was about the same age as Andy when "Toy Story" first came to theaters, and now, years and years later, Andy went off to college at the same time as I did. This was a clever move on Pixar's part, but also a beautiful tribute to a generation of kids who grew in maturity while never losing imagination.
This afternoon a bunch of us went sledding at the Chocksett football fields in Sterling. It was freezing, but so much fun! The wind whipping at our faces, we later found out, was moving at a staggering 58 miles per hour. (Ouch.) But the snow was perfect for angels and for sliding down the steeps of the fields. So many people stayed inside today - and are sensible for doing so - but I am glad that we were able to gather together and appreciate this gift from Mother Nature for a few hours.
I smiled and laughed a lot today.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Oh, also.
01. I'm excited for the snow. It keeps piling and piling up!
02. Transfer applications are going to kick my butt. Bring it.
03. I really, reeeeally want to intern at HarperCollins or Penguin or even Bloomsbury this summer.
04. My dad is watching "The Return of the King" and I can hear the beautiful score wafting up through the floorboards. It makes me sentimental, in both happy and sad ways.
05. I am sick once again, and I really don't know why this keeps recurring.
06. Tomorrow I want nothing more than to gather with my sisters and friends to go sledding!
My first winter in Holden, junior year. Sledding with Emily at Mayo Elementary School, going approximately 0.5 miles per hour.
07. I also really want to ice skate soon. I taught myself how when I was a sophomore, but far too much time has passed since I last laced up my blades.
My first time on skates, sophomore year! Determination: strong. Skill level: non-existent.
Happy blizzard!
You Can't Beat It
Christmas was so wonderful. It was nice to celebrate with just the immediate family for once. Usually we spend the holiday with my grandparents, and a few times we've gathered with aunts and uncles too. But yesterday, it was just the five of us, and I loved that.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Christmas Eve
Things are starting to look up. I don't plan to hold my breath, but I also won't breathe too deeply.
Merry Christmas Eve!
Merry Christmas Eve!
occucco ][ ssf.tsf.ffne
I just video chatted with Olivia for over an hour and a half. It was so nice to see a familiar face from Mount Holyoke, and to be able to talk about things that people here do not necessarily know about or understand. (For example: the ugly, weird designs that people came up with for our dorm 2010-2011 sweatshirt...a Hamster? Really?) We spoke about Christmas, we showed each other our cats, I said "hello again" to her mum and dad, we talked about spring break and transferring and how complicated it makes the housing application process. I vented about my frustrations with certain things here at home and she lent a willing ear. Olivia is my best friend at school by far, and having met her parents during Family & Friends' Weekend, I feel almost as if I know her the way I know many of my high school friends--because there is that element of knowing more than just your friend, because you are familiar with not just her but also the people in her life.
A few days ago, I told Katie that the one thing that made me sad about leaving Mount Holyoke for break was that I did not think I would miss any of my friends, at least not too tremendously. Skyping with Olivia tonight instilled within me the hope and positivity that of late has been dwindling. I miss her so much and cannot wait to see her again in a month. Having a reason to actually want to return to school makes the arrival of January 24th that much easier.
----------------------------
In other words, I just wish you would talk to me, and not while hiding behind your cell phone. I do not know if you are afraid or are angry or are indifferent. I hope so very much, though, that indifference is not the reason for your lack of enthusiasm, because nothing could hurt me more. If it is not too much to ask, perhaps my Christmas present could be old-fashioned communication. I would like that.
A few days ago, I told Katie that the one thing that made me sad about leaving Mount Holyoke for break was that I did not think I would miss any of my friends, at least not too tremendously. Skyping with Olivia tonight instilled within me the hope and positivity that of late has been dwindling. I miss her so much and cannot wait to see her again in a month. Having a reason to actually want to return to school makes the arrival of January 24th that much easier.
----------------------------
In other words, I just wish you would talk to me, and not while hiding behind your cell phone. I do not know if you are afraid or are angry or are indifferent. I hope so very much, though, that indifference is not the reason for your lack of enthusiasm, because nothing could hurt me more. If it is not too much to ask, perhaps my Christmas present could be old-fashioned communication. I would like that.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
It would be so nice to see your face at my door.
A bunch of us gathered last night to celebrate our "homecomings," so to speak, and to enjoy a little bit of catching up before the holiday. It was as much fun as it always is, and today I am exhausted but extremely content. Everything seems more magical this time of year and I am so happy to be home, enjoying the Christmas season with my family (including my mum, who decorates so tastefully and makes Christmas twenty times more exciting than it already is) and with my friends. Everyone fills me up with so much happiness and joy and love that I feel both blessed and spoiled for how lucky I am. There are a lot of friends and family members that I have not seen in a long time, and I miss them tremendously, but I have a good amount of faith that we'll all meet again in due time.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
buffalolaffub
Greg sent me a link explaining how the sentence "Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo" is completely legitimate. As an English major, I am slightly embarrassed to admit that the accuracy of its construction remains somewhat lost on me.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
as he stood there with the roses, which said more than he ever could
"He had not said, 'I love you'; but he held her hand. Happiness is this, is this, he thought."
-Mrs. Dalloway
-Mrs. Dalloway
Saturday, December 18, 2010
All At Sea
"She felt very young, at the same time unspeakably aged. She sliced like a knife through everything, at the same time was outside, looking on. She had a perpetual sense, as she watched the taxi cabs, of being out, out, far out to sea and alone; she always had the feeling that it was very, very dangerous to live even one day."
-Mrs. Dalloway
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Oh quel jour est aujourd'hui.
I have been studying for almost six hours now and I know I have at least two more ahead of me. Stats was difficult but French is proving to be nearly impossible to grasp. I haven't even packed my things to go home tomorrow yet, either. One roommate is asleep, two are watching "Lost," but the girls above (or is it below?) me will not stop making noise. My bed is right near a vent and I can hear every word (or weird noise) they make, including those private ones I have zero interest in overhearing.
French is swirling in and out of my brain. As soon as I think I have remastered a concept, I come across an example that I cannot comprehend. I try to assuage my panic by convincing myself that surely I had these same struggles when I first learned how to speak and write English as a toddler, but somehow I don't believe it. Mastering foreign languages is not by any means easy, but at the same time, it frustrates me how quickly I lose the information after learning it originally. Nothing seems to stick anymore! Et maintenant, je suis très fatiguée.
On the bright side, I am trying to keep myself awake so I am eating Cheez-its (it's almost midnight, gross, I know), and I just ate a burnt one. Burnt Cheez-its are my absolute favorite. If they ever sold reject boxes that were filled to the brim only with burnt Cheez-its, I would buy the entire stock.
Look at me, I'm talking about square orange crackers. This is not the mind of a girl with the ability to take exams in nine hours. I am going to be dead before my pencil even touches the paper.
French is swirling in and out of my brain. As soon as I think I have remastered a concept, I come across an example that I cannot comprehend. I try to assuage my panic by convincing myself that surely I had these same struggles when I first learned how to speak and write English as a toddler, but somehow I don't believe it. Mastering foreign languages is not by any means easy, but at the same time, it frustrates me how quickly I lose the information after learning it originally. Nothing seems to stick anymore! Et maintenant, je suis très fatiguée.
On the bright side, I am trying to keep myself awake so I am eating Cheez-its (it's almost midnight, gross, I know), and I just ate a burnt one. Burnt Cheez-its are my absolute favorite. If they ever sold reject boxes that were filled to the brim only with burnt Cheez-its, I would buy the entire stock.
Look at me, I'm talking about square orange crackers. This is not the mind of a girl with the ability to take exams in nine hours. I am going to be dead before my pencil even touches the paper.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
All done with classes!
And I took my Sociology exam today, as well. I've spent the afternoon watching "90210" with Rachael (guilty pleasure, I know). Tonight I get to watch Olivia dance, finish Mrs. Dalloway, and celebrate with my frands at our Secret Holiday Armadillo party. Life is great for the time being!
Monday, December 13, 2010
Saturday, December 11, 2010
i looked up into the grey sky
The right side of my back hurts tremendously. I think I slept on it wrong or something; probably, I slept on my side. I used to be a side sleeper but then I started getting really bad back pain. So I switched to lying on my back, and now I can't fall asleep any other way. I was at UMass last night, though, and sharing a twin bed is not conducive to healthful sleep.
I've been listening to a lot of upbeat music lately, the kind that makes me want to dance even when I'm standing in line or walking down the street. (A tiny part of me longs for my own "(500) Days of Summer" spontaneous dance routine.) The song of the day is "Black and Gold" by Sam Sparro.
I feel a way of something beyond them:
I don't see what I can feel.
If vision is the only validation,
then most of my life isn't real.
'Cause if you're not really here
then the stars don't even matter.
Now I'm filled to the top with fear
but it's all just a bunch of matter.
'Cause if you're not really here
then I don't want to be, either.
I want to be next to you.
I've been listening to a lot of upbeat music lately, the kind that makes me want to dance even when I'm standing in line or walking down the street. (A tiny part of me longs for my own "(500) Days of Summer" spontaneous dance routine.) The song of the day is "Black and Gold" by Sam Sparro.
I feel a way of something beyond them:
I don't see what I can feel.
If vision is the only validation,
then most of my life isn't real.
'Cause if you're not really here
then the stars don't even matter.
Now I'm filled to the top with fear
but it's all just a bunch of matter.
'Cause if you're not really here
then I don't want to be, either.
I want to be next to you.
Friday, December 10, 2010
I'm in!
Just got an e-mail from the director of The Vagina Monologues.
I'll be performing "Because He Liked to Look At It."
I am so excited!
This has made my week.
I'll be performing "Because He Liked to Look At It."
I am so excited!
This has made my week.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
"I feel a little better."
Lately I have lost my sense of self within college. The stress, the relationships, the worries, the expectations and overwhelming commitments, all these things managed to swallow my tiny little body whole, and I sat somewhere inside this huge emptiness, waiting for illumination.
I had callbacks for The Vagina Monologues tonight. I found myself, rediscovered myself, within other selves unlike my own. I emerged from my audition breathing a newer version of my old life.
Once again, theatre makes me more me than does merely existing as me.
I had callbacks for The Vagina Monologues tonight. I found myself, rediscovered myself, within other selves unlike my own. I emerged from my audition breathing a newer version of my old life.
Once again, theatre makes me more me than does merely existing as me.
Mum surprised me with a visit today!
It was so wonderful getting to spend some time with her! But it only reinforces how much I miss my family! Only eight days more.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
apathy)(apathy
"But nothing is so strange when one is in love (and what was this except being in love?) as the complete indifference of other people."
-Mrs. Dalloway
-Mrs. Dalloway
Monday, December 6, 2010
reference notes
1. We've all finally reached a level of agreement regarding the new room arrangement!
2. My eye is almost back to its normal color, but it still hurts every now and then. I'm scared to put my contacts in from now on, though. Hydrogen peroxide in the eye is not a cup of tea.
3. I cannot focus on my French homework. Je ne suis pas contente, parce que j'ai beaucoup de devoirs mais je n'ai pas le temps.
4. I have my fourth hour of Stats tonight at 8:00 but it is so cold out and the seven minute walk seems like eternity.
5. Not including today, there are only 10 more days until I can go home!
6. Où est la neige?!
2. My eye is almost back to its normal color, but it still hurts every now and then. I'm scared to put my contacts in from now on, though. Hydrogen peroxide in the eye is not a cup of tea.
3. I cannot focus on my French homework. Je ne suis pas contente, parce que j'ai beaucoup de devoirs mais je n'ai pas le temps.
4. I have my fourth hour of Stats tonight at 8:00 but it is so cold out and the seven minute walk seems like eternity.
5. Not including today, there are only 10 more days until I can go home!
6. Où est la neige?!
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Starry Eyes
This weekend in New York was wonderful! But now I am back at Mount Holyoke, and the world seems to have dimmed, dulled, and become altogether flat.
Only fourteen days until I can go home, which is not quite as bright as the city, but at least surrounds me with people I love.
Only fourteen days until I can go home, which is not quite as bright as the city, but at least surrounds me with people I love.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
I'm annoyed with the people who run the NYC-Five College shuttle.
Do not tell me that you offer rides back from NYC on Saturday evenings if you are not actually going to provide them.
Homemade fudge is delicious but I feel sinful eating it and not in any way that makes me feel good.
I will never remedy the sadness that absorbs my entire body every time I see or hear from him. I feel blue in my toes and my ears and my lungs and my shoulders and my hands and all the places in between. Time refuses to move faster and in its slow-passing state, I seem unable to recover from the hurt he inevitably had to cause.
I already miss home. I miss my family more. We began decorating the house for Christmas last night and all I want now is to be there with them, humming along to overplayed holiday songs and stringing garland around the banister in the hallway.
Nineteen days and then I am free.
Homemade fudge is delicious but I feel sinful eating it and not in any way that makes me feel good.
I will never remedy the sadness that absorbs my entire body every time I see or hear from him. I feel blue in my toes and my ears and my lungs and my shoulders and my hands and all the places in between. Time refuses to move faster and in its slow-passing state, I seem unable to recover from the hurt he inevitably had to cause.
I already miss home. I miss my family more. We began decorating the house for Christmas last night and all I want now is to be there with them, humming along to overplayed holiday songs and stringing garland around the banister in the hallway.
Nineteen days and then I am free.
Monday, November 22, 2010
good things
Today I:
-passed in my English paper.
-got an A on my Stats exam.
-ate mashed potatoes for dinner.
-am one day away from going home!
I can't wait to return to something like this.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
All I had for dinner was sticky white rice, a piece of toast, and some graham crackers.
How do I eat food made in the same kitchen as the food that didn't agree with me?
I hate being sick.
I hate being sick.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Sunday, November 7, 2010
I am writing a paper in the library and I'm freezing.
My feet seek refuge from the cold beneath my folded and crisscrossed legs. My sweater is fully buttoned as, too, is my peacoat, and yet I can still feel the goosebumps lurking beneath my sleeves.
The girls on the couches a few feet away are talking loudly. They have no homework to complete, only conversation.
Their own coats lie strewn across the floor.
The girls on the couches a few feet away are talking loudly. They have no homework to complete, only conversation.
Their own coats lie strewn across the floor.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
MacGregor at Lunchtime
One of the chefs in our dining hall loves to sing along with the radio. Today he belted out "Bad Romance" with Lady Gaga and from my own post one hundred feet away, I could not help but smile when his voice lofted past my ears.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
In Bloom
Today I wore one of my pairs of Betsey Johnson tights.
They were black and covered in flowers.
I felt perfectly girly, and somehow everything around me smelled better and shined brighter.
They were black and covered in flowers.
I felt perfectly girly, and somehow everything around me smelled better and shined brighter.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
Outta Mind, Outta Sight
I am sick.
Being sick in college is not fun.
Every time I stand up, the room starts to spin and my head pounds. I feel tired all the time and my body won't stop shaking. When it's warm in the room, I'm cold. When it's cold, I'm hot. Somehow, despite all of this, I managed to make it to both of my classes today. I barely remember French at all, beyond smiling and repeating certain phrases. I think I voluntarily spoke twice, but anything I said likely sounded ridiculously mundane given my current state of mind. My Lit class wasn't much better. We're sailing through A Midsummer Night's Dream right now, which happens to be my favorite work of Shakespeare's, and I'm sitting in class, my head bobbing up and down only enough for me, and nobody else, to notice. Professor Yu asks what we've observed and I mention something about the fluctuating strengths of the female characters and also, for good measure, throw in how much I adore Bottom, because he makes my life complete.
I took a nap this afternoon but it was more so a restless hour spent in bed, eyes closed, face to the ceiling. The cracked patterns in the tiles played like whirligigs.
Now I'm awake, but only because at a certain point, I got tired of tossing and turning.
Being sick in college is not fun.
Every time I stand up, the room starts to spin and my head pounds. I feel tired all the time and my body won't stop shaking. When it's warm in the room, I'm cold. When it's cold, I'm hot. Somehow, despite all of this, I managed to make it to both of my classes today. I barely remember French at all, beyond smiling and repeating certain phrases. I think I voluntarily spoke twice, but anything I said likely sounded ridiculously mundane given my current state of mind. My Lit class wasn't much better. We're sailing through A Midsummer Night's Dream right now, which happens to be my favorite work of Shakespeare's, and I'm sitting in class, my head bobbing up and down only enough for me, and nobody else, to notice. Professor Yu asks what we've observed and I mention something about the fluctuating strengths of the female characters and also, for good measure, throw in how much I adore Bottom, because he makes my life complete.
I took a nap this afternoon but it was more so a restless hour spent in bed, eyes closed, face to the ceiling. The cracked patterns in the tiles played like whirligigs.
Now I'm awake, but only because at a certain point, I got tired of tossing and turning.
Friday, October 22, 2010
There is no need for you
There is no need for you to tell me that I am beautiful.
What am I supposed to say in return
that you haven't
already heard
from her?
[there is a reason I don't hug you anymore]
4:30 PM - 10.22.10
What am I supposed to say in return
that you haven't
already heard
from her?
[there is a reason I don't hug you anymore]
4:30 PM - 10.22.10
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
I cannot focus.
Blame it on the ADHD. Blame it on the broken heater in my room. Blame it on the lack of light. Blame it on the view out my window, on the vibrancy that screams through the glass panes and ropes around my head, jerking me away from diligence and toward daydream. Blame it on the roommate who makes me wonder constantly where I stand. Blame it on sleep deprivation. Blame it on all of the other bullets on the piece of paper marked "TO DO" that taunt me because I have yet to catch up with them. Blame it on the stress. Blame it on transfer applications, on the need for a 3.5 or better to even bother sealing the envelope. Blame it on the ink in my pen running low. Blame it on this uncomfortable desk chair. Blame it on the act of blaming things.
Blech.
Blech.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Vespers: Parousia
Love of my life, you
are lost and I am
young again.
A few years pass.
The air fills
with girlish music;
in the front yard
the apple tree is
studded with blossoms.
I try to win you back,
that is the point
of the writing.
But you are gone forever,
as in Russian novels, saying
a few words I don't remember--
How lush the world is,
how full of things that don't belong to me--
I watch the blossoms shatter,
no longer pink,
but old, old, a yellowish white--
the petals seem
to float on the bright grass,
fluttering slightly.
What a nothing you were,
to be changed so quickly
into an image, an odor--
you are everywhere, source
of wisdom and anguish.
-Louise Glück
are lost and I am
young again.
A few years pass.
The air fills
with girlish music;
in the front yard
the apple tree is
studded with blossoms.
I try to win you back,
that is the point
of the writing.
But you are gone forever,
as in Russian novels, saying
a few words I don't remember--
How lush the world is,
how full of things that don't belong to me--
I watch the blossoms shatter,
no longer pink,
but old, old, a yellowish white--
the petals seem
to float on the bright grass,
fluttering slightly.
What a nothing you were,
to be changed so quickly
into an image, an odor--
you are everywhere, source
of wisdom and anguish.
-Louise Glück
Thursday, October 14, 2010
A Little Story
Yesterday I arrived at my theatre rehearsal actually on time for the first time in practically a month. Beaming with pride, I greeted my director Thea "hello" and proceeded to take off my sneakers and socks in preparation for our daily twelve opening sun salutations. Thea looked confused. I became confused.
I was finally early to a rehearsal at which I was not needed.
So I went to the library (because it was closer than walking all the way across campus to go back to Ham) and plunked myself down at a computer. The girl to my left was freaking out and partly because I worried she was about to have a coronary, I asked if she was okay.
It turns out she was better than okay: the printer system in the library broke. So now we don't have to swipe our One Cards to print anything. Which means we can print as much as we want...for free.
So I showed up to a rehearsal I didn't have to be at.
But I also printed 300 pages' worth of sociology readings (double-sided, so I suppose only 150 pages, I do lurve trees after all) for free.
Things happen for reasons.
I am constantly reminded of this.
I was finally early to a rehearsal at which I was not needed.
So I went to the library (because it was closer than walking all the way across campus to go back to Ham) and plunked myself down at a computer. The girl to my left was freaking out and partly because I worried she was about to have a coronary, I asked if she was okay.
It turns out she was better than okay: the printer system in the library broke. So now we don't have to swipe our One Cards to print anything. Which means we can print as much as we want...for free.
So I showed up to a rehearsal I didn't have to be at.
But I also printed 300 pages' worth of sociology readings (double-sided, so I suppose only 150 pages, I do lurve trees after all) for free.
Things happen for reasons.
I am constantly reminded of this.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Mad Rush
College does weird things to you. As different as everyone claims it to be--and certainly, to many extents, this claim is not wholly incorrect--college is still an exercise in the major processes of life. I still wake up every day, I still get dressed, I still eat and shower and tie my shoes, I still go to class, much as I would like to say otherwise, I still have grotesque amounts of homework, I still exercise, I still pull the covers up to my chin when I turn out the lights at night, and I still dream, I still dream bizarre dreams.
With so much similarity comes the expectation that "going home" will be exactly the same. Or maybe only I held this expectation. I think the answer is somewhere in the middle: anyone who comes home for the very first time, whether they realized it at the time or not, whether or not they admit it now, held this same belief that I did.
Perception Versus Reality plunked me on the head this weekend.
01. I was doubtful, for the first three days that I was home, that my dog actually recognized me as a permanent member of the family.
02. Between the time I left in early September and this past Friday, when I came home, three new houses were built on my street. Now I walk outside and feel overwhelmed and somewhat intruded upon by these looming tan boxes.
03. My house is the same, but I feel different living in it. Case in point: my parents got a new trash can while I was at school. This freaked me out. Apparently my acceptance to change cannot withstand fluctuations in waste disposal methods.
04. For the first few minutes that I drove my car on Saturday, I felt apprehensive and feared that my muscle memory would not prevail.
05. My room is foreign to me. Suitcases cover the floor. My closest is practically empty. Every time I walk into the room, I feel ancy and ungrounded. There is no permanence anymore.
06. My bed at school is far comfier and it took me until last night to "rediscover" how to fall asleep in my real bed.
07. Seeing old friends creates this mad rush to catch up and restore order in the tiniest amount of time and then to pretend that everything is exactly as it used to be. It's not that things have completely changed. It's just that everyone is changing in the slightest of ways and now the edges of our puzzle pieces are nubbed and altered and slightly unsettled in their fit.
08. I feel like I am on vacation. I know I technically am on vacation, but I never expected to feel this way.
The only thing that I expected to feel that I do feel is the ugly admittance that I don't want to go back to school.
With so much similarity comes the expectation that "going home" will be exactly the same. Or maybe only I held this expectation. I think the answer is somewhere in the middle: anyone who comes home for the very first time, whether they realized it at the time or not, whether or not they admit it now, held this same belief that I did.
Perception Versus Reality plunked me on the head this weekend.
01. I was doubtful, for the first three days that I was home, that my dog actually recognized me as a permanent member of the family.
02. Between the time I left in early September and this past Friday, when I came home, three new houses were built on my street. Now I walk outside and feel overwhelmed and somewhat intruded upon by these looming tan boxes.
03. My house is the same, but I feel different living in it. Case in point: my parents got a new trash can while I was at school. This freaked me out. Apparently my acceptance to change cannot withstand fluctuations in waste disposal methods.
04. For the first few minutes that I drove my car on Saturday, I felt apprehensive and feared that my muscle memory would not prevail.
05. My room is foreign to me. Suitcases cover the floor. My closest is practically empty. Every time I walk into the room, I feel ancy and ungrounded. There is no permanence anymore.
06. My bed at school is far comfier and it took me until last night to "rediscover" how to fall asleep in my real bed.
07. Seeing old friends creates this mad rush to catch up and restore order in the tiniest amount of time and then to pretend that everything is exactly as it used to be. It's not that things have completely changed. It's just that everyone is changing in the slightest of ways and now the edges of our puzzle pieces are nubbed and altered and slightly unsettled in their fit.
08. I feel like I am on vacation. I know I technically am on vacation, but I never expected to feel this way.
The only thing that I expected to feel that I do feel is the ugly admittance that I don't want to go back to school.
Monday, October 11, 2010
One thing I love about college
is my gym class. "Hiking in the Pioneer Valley" was the best choice I made when picking out my fall schedule. The places where we hike are so beautiful. The mountain ranges go on forever and every Thursday my muscles itch to leave campus and explore another few miles of them. Autumn, in its stereotypical physical appearance, has been late arriving this year. On campus, most trees sport still-green leaves, save a few large maples on the front lawn, which burned off their fiery clothing weeks ago.
The mountains house their well-kept secret with intensity. Trailheads disguise themselves like every other inch of forest: monochromatic images of sage and olive, no different than any other street-lining trees. Yet sheltered within these beaten-out paths are small pockets of brilliance.
My camera, in all its consumer and digital goodness, cannot begin to capture the orange, yellow, red hues these steeps possess.
This is as it should be.
Secrets like these should never be divulged.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
For anyone who has ever read or seen "Gone With the Wind."
This is for you. Carol Burnett is a goddess.
Went With the Wind (Part 1)
Went With the Wind (Part 2)
Went With the Wind (Part 1)
Went With the Wind (Part 2)
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
it may not always be so;and i say
it may not always be so;and i say
that if your lips,which i have loved,should touch
another's,and your dear strong fingers clutch
his heart,as mine in time not far away;
if on another's face your sweet hair lay
in such silence as i know,or such
great writhing words as,uttering overmuch,
stand helplessly before the spirit at bay;
if this should be,i say if this should be--
you of my heart,send me a little word;
that i may go unto him,and take his hands,
saying,Accept all happiness from me.
Then shall i turn my face,and hear one bird
sing terribly afar in the lost lands.
-e.e. cummings
that if your lips,which i have loved,should touch
another's,and your dear strong fingers clutch
his heart,as mine in time not far away;
if on another's face your sweet hair lay
in such silence as i know,or such
great writhing words as,uttering overmuch,
stand helplessly before the spirit at bay;
if this should be,i say if this should be--
you of my heart,send me a little word;
that i may go unto him,and take his hands,
saying,Accept all happiness from me.
Then shall i turn my face,and hear one bird
sing terribly afar in the lost lands.
-e.e. cummings
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Upon Returning From A Midnight Theatre Rehearsal
I jam my key into the lock and turn it clockwise two full rotations, pushing down on the metal handle and quietly prodding the door open. A single fluorescent light sneers down from the ceiling, basking the girl farthest from where I stand in a glow that for anyone else would be described as "unflattering" but for her merely elicits an acknowledgment of how crappy the electricity is here. Everyone present sleeps, with the exception of my exhausted self, hovered in the doorway, silently removing this tiny metal concrete password from its rite of passage and clicking the door shut behind me. The girl closest to the door hides beneath mountains of covers; she does not want to be observed and I frankly am too tired to consider acting otherwise. My own bed, untouched and yet to be mussed, has much unfortunately fallen victim to the ranks of two rather noisy sleepers. From one end I hear the occasional passage from an airy, nasal sonata. The other end presents for me a steady, throaty performance muffled slightly by a strategically-placed textbook upon which the performer's head now rests, though likely unintentionally.
I am in between these two, and I jointly occupy the middle of all three.
They surround me in slumber
yet I feel strangely
unprotected and
alert.
I am in between these two, and I jointly occupy the middle of all three.
They surround me in slumber
yet I feel strangely
unprotected and
alert.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Day Two
I haven't had time to process all of my thoughts about college yet. I just finished my second full day of classes and am already swimming in work. I feel like there is no time to think about anything. I cannot reflect because I have no availability to do so. My brain is constantly "ON," always processing where I am going, what I am doing, and who I need to see. Tomorrow I have only one class and afterward I plan on taking an hour to sit down, shake out my head until it is empty, and then fill it back up with new reflections.
What I can say, though, is how much I welcome each and every text message and phone call. Alex, Laura, Emily, Leanne, Katie, Mum and Dad and Katiedoo: you are the persons who inspire me to make it through each day, and just know that any time, and every time, my phone beeps or lights up with a message from you, a smile climbs up my cheeks and internally I feel safe in a way that only memories and reminders of home can provide.
What I can say, though, is how much I welcome each and every text message and phone call. Alex, Laura, Emily, Leanne, Katie, Mum and Dad and Katiedoo: you are the persons who inspire me to make it through each day, and just know that any time, and every time, my phone beeps or lights up with a message from you, a smile climbs up my cheeks and internally I feel safe in a way that only memories and reminders of home can provide.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
I'm finally here!
And I'm loving it and hating it at the same time.
Mostly the love outweighs the hate, and that's good enough for now.
Mostly the love outweighs the hate, and that's good enough for now.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
A Definition
"That's not courage. Fighting is like champagne. It goes to the heads of cowards as quickly as of heroes. Any fool can be brave on a battle field when it's be brave or else be killed. I'm talking of something else. And my kind of cowardice is infinitely worse than if I had run the first time I heard a cannon fired."
-Margaret Mitchell
Gone With the Wind
-Margaret Mitchell
Gone With the Wind
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
KGD
Katie went off to her first day of seventh grade today with a smile on her face, and even though she somehow, despite her diligent morning routine, managed to miss the bus, I am told that her loopy grin refused to subside as she hopped into the car and sped off before the school bells rang.
She is nervous but she has no need to be.
She is beautiful and I will miss her.
She is nervous but she has no need to be.
She is beautiful and I will miss her.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Bedridden
I woke up with the top half of my head disconnected from its southern counterpart, which, too, was disjointed from the rest of my body. My head hurts and the bright, shiny orange capsules I've been swallowing since I woke up have done nothing in the way of destroying the millions of angry little germs swarming around inside of me.
On the bright side, I do feel that getting sick now is so much more preferable to coming down with a cold during my first few weeks at school. I want my roommates to like me, not avoid me like the plague.
The song of the day is "That Home" by Cinematic Orchestra.
Where the windows are breathing in the light,
Where the rooms are a collection of our lives,
This is a place where I don't feel alone.
On the bright side, I do feel that getting sick now is so much more preferable to coming down with a cold during my first few weeks at school. I want my roommates to like me, not avoid me like the plague.
The song of the day is "That Home" by Cinematic Orchestra.
Where the windows are breathing in the light,
Where the rooms are a collection of our lives,
This is a place where I don't feel alone.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Natural Selection
Today was my second-to-last day of work at the EcoTarium. It was bittersweet, I suppose, mostly only because of how used to its regularity I have become. Also I admit that I have grown quite attached to Penelope, our African Pygmy Hedgehog, and she has finally grown comfortable with and trusting of me. It is a relationship that I spent a long time building, and one I do not really want to give up. My boss, Tricia, is luckily allowing me to work vacations, which will probably equal out to visiting the museum about once or twice every few months. Still, it will be tough waking up on Saturday and Sunday mornings and not driving into Worcester for a few hours of sometimeschaos and sometimespeace.
I sound like an idiot for complaining. As a freshman at Mount Holyoke, I am required to work in the dining halls (no library jobs for me...yes, I looked, and yes, I found some, but no, apply for them I cannot). This is neither a coveted nor excitable job. But it helps pay tuition and at least my dorm has a dining hall conveniently located on the first floor, so there really isn't anything to gripe about. A job is a job and at least I have one. It is just going to be different. There will still be human interaction, but on a less educational and less exhilarating level. And the likelihood of someone busting out a cornsnake or a chinchilla or boa constrictor is slim to none.
I like animals. I always have, but this job has made that fact an extraordinarily acute one. I find myself spewing out facts about all sorts of creatures, whether inquired about them or not. I excitedly discovered last night that A.P. hedgehogs have a high tolerance for toxins, which allows them to eat things like scorpions and venomous snakes, and in a torrent of elation I whipped up an e-mail to my wildlife boss informing her of this discovery. Hours before that, I had painstakingly converted millimeters into a rough approximation of inches so that the children I talked with would have a better understanding of a hedgehog's body size. So, too, did I transpose kilometers per hour into miles per hour, proudly stating to my sister, who I am sure was slightly bored with so many hedgehog facts, that Penelope has the capability to run ten miles per hour.
And this from an animal with legs barely half of an inch long.
As part of my summer reading for orientation, I had to read a section of Temple Grandin's novel Animals in Translation. I devoured the book. I loved it. Temple Grandin is brilliant. She is autistic and although her brain does not function the same way that mine or yours does, it does have the ability to notice the tiniest, slightest of details, in the same way as many animals--their brains also, for the most part, less developed than our own--do, and in a way that normal human brains never will.
I do not possess Temple Grandin's astounding insight. I probably will never even come near to possessing it. But I would like to think, and a small part of me does think, that my eleven months spent working in such close contact with a variety of animals has expanded my opinion of the world in which I live. I am physically large but I am mentally tiny. I am tiny. The animals I have held and fed are tinier than me in size, but in so many ways they are larger than me, and greater than me as well.
They notice things that every day pass by my eyes without conjuring a blink or second glance. They are living in the world--they are living in their world, in this world--in the moment. Every second they experience to a staggering degree, because every second in their life is worth more than even a minute of my own.
Evolutionists may argue this is the product of intellectual superiority, or a higher order and a higher class and a higher species. We are smarter, so we live longer, and we notice the bigger things because we have the time, the lifespan with which to do so. The details matter but often inconsequentially so.
These are assertions I have heard and I have read.
But even Charles Darwin had a fascination with animals that verged on the religious.
We have much to learn and so little time in which to absorb it all.
I sound like an idiot for complaining. As a freshman at Mount Holyoke, I am required to work in the dining halls (no library jobs for me...yes, I looked, and yes, I found some, but no, apply for them I cannot). This is neither a coveted nor excitable job. But it helps pay tuition and at least my dorm has a dining hall conveniently located on the first floor, so there really isn't anything to gripe about. A job is a job and at least I have one. It is just going to be different. There will still be human interaction, but on a less educational and less exhilarating level. And the likelihood of someone busting out a cornsnake or a chinchilla or boa constrictor is slim to none.
I like animals. I always have, but this job has made that fact an extraordinarily acute one. I find myself spewing out facts about all sorts of creatures, whether inquired about them or not. I excitedly discovered last night that A.P. hedgehogs have a high tolerance for toxins, which allows them to eat things like scorpions and venomous snakes, and in a torrent of elation I whipped up an e-mail to my wildlife boss informing her of this discovery. Hours before that, I had painstakingly converted millimeters into a rough approximation of inches so that the children I talked with would have a better understanding of a hedgehog's body size. So, too, did I transpose kilometers per hour into miles per hour, proudly stating to my sister, who I am sure was slightly bored with so many hedgehog facts, that Penelope has the capability to run ten miles per hour.
And this from an animal with legs barely half of an inch long.
As part of my summer reading for orientation, I had to read a section of Temple Grandin's novel Animals in Translation. I devoured the book. I loved it. Temple Grandin is brilliant. She is autistic and although her brain does not function the same way that mine or yours does, it does have the ability to notice the tiniest, slightest of details, in the same way as many animals--their brains also, for the most part, less developed than our own--do, and in a way that normal human brains never will.
I do not possess Temple Grandin's astounding insight. I probably will never even come near to possessing it. But I would like to think, and a small part of me does think, that my eleven months spent working in such close contact with a variety of animals has expanded my opinion of the world in which I live. I am physically large but I am mentally tiny. I am tiny. The animals I have held and fed are tinier than me in size, but in so many ways they are larger than me, and greater than me as well.
They notice things that every day pass by my eyes without conjuring a blink or second glance. They are living in the world--they are living in their world, in this world--in the moment. Every second they experience to a staggering degree, because every second in their life is worth more than even a minute of my own.
Evolutionists may argue this is the product of intellectual superiority, or a higher order and a higher class and a higher species. We are smarter, so we live longer, and we notice the bigger things because we have the time, the lifespan with which to do so. The details matter but often inconsequentially so.
These are assertions I have heard and I have read.
But even Charles Darwin had a fascination with animals that verged on the religious.
We have much to learn and so little time in which to absorb it all.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Excerpt
Today
my strengths
lie only in my ability
to hide
weakness.
-from "Yellow Dirigo"
12:39 AM - 7.5.10
my strengths
lie only in my ability
to hide
weakness.
-from "Yellow Dirigo"
12:39 AM - 7.5.10
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Red Line
Why does every experience have to be a double-edged sword?
Yesterday I took the train down to Duxbury to visit some of my old friends. Anticipation mixed with apprehension as the minutes grew closer to each interaction, but of course the blood pumping frantically throughout my veins was merely overreaction for what ultimately were delightful exchanges. The problem, then, was not in the reconnection, as I had initially feared, but in leaving.
The problem is always in leaving.
Were I to create a pie chart breaking down how often I cry by the various causes of said tears, leaving and being left behind would comprise at least half of the circle. This all, once again, goes back to my inability to accept change quietly and without fuss. My departure from Duxbury was tainted by the knowledge that, though physically I was the one walking away, my friends were metaphorically leaving me behind. Boarding the T in Braintree was a manifestation of this solemnity: my entire car remained empty for the majority of my ride into Boston.
Am I going to spend the first few months of college wandering around, be it literally or otherwise, on my own and without others whom I can call real friends? Will it take months of sitting alone on a cold, hard seat in a subway car until I am surrounded by fellow passengers all heading in the same direction as me? And when, during my journey toward South Station, on my way to better and greater things, will those who take a seat beside me turn and strike up conversation? Will I ever exit through the jerky metal doors and emerge at the station with companions? Or will my footsteps echo singularly throughout the cement and tiled walls of the underground?
I miss people already, even those who have yet to leave me behind.
Yesterday I took the train down to Duxbury to visit some of my old friends. Anticipation mixed with apprehension as the minutes grew closer to each interaction, but of course the blood pumping frantically throughout my veins was merely overreaction for what ultimately were delightful exchanges. The problem, then, was not in the reconnection, as I had initially feared, but in leaving.
The problem is always in leaving.
Were I to create a pie chart breaking down how often I cry by the various causes of said tears, leaving and being left behind would comprise at least half of the circle. This all, once again, goes back to my inability to accept change quietly and without fuss. My departure from Duxbury was tainted by the knowledge that, though physically I was the one walking away, my friends were metaphorically leaving me behind. Boarding the T in Braintree was a manifestation of this solemnity: my entire car remained empty for the majority of my ride into Boston.
Am I going to spend the first few months of college wandering around, be it literally or otherwise, on my own and without others whom I can call real friends? Will it take months of sitting alone on a cold, hard seat in a subway car until I am surrounded by fellow passengers all heading in the same direction as me? And when, during my journey toward South Station, on my way to better and greater things, will those who take a seat beside me turn and strike up conversation? Will I ever exit through the jerky metal doors and emerge at the station with companions? Or will my footsteps echo singularly throughout the cement and tiled walls of the underground?
I miss people already, even those who have yet to leave me behind.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
I belong to the hurricane.
The song of the day is "Hurricane Drunk" by Florence + The Machine, from the album Lungs. I absolutely love Florence Welch's voice, which reminds me of a punchier version of Feist's.
I hope that you see me
'cause I'm staring at you.
But when you look over,
you look right through.
Then you lean and kiss her on the head.
And I never felt so alive and so dead.
I hope that you see me
'cause I'm staring at you.
But when you look over,
you look right through.
Then you lean and kiss her on the head.
And I never felt so alive and so dead.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Prehistoric
Because even at eighteen, every now and then
I like to pretend I'm something I'm not.
Dinosaur sweatshirt-- E. Doolittle original
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Disenchanted Enchantment
The song of the day is "Shadow On the Wall" by Brandi Carlile. Meghan first introduced me to her music and the more I listen to it, the more I love it. Her vocals for this song are haunting in a quiet way that leaves me simultaneously pleased as a listener and saddened as an observer.
"How I long to be
a shadow on the wall.
I will make no sound at all.
And when the sun goes down
the shadow on the wall
cannot be seen at all."
"How I long to be
a shadow on the wall.
I will make no sound at all.
And when the sun goes down
the shadow on the wall
cannot be seen at all."
Monday, August 16, 2010
English Variations
It is a damp seventy-two degrees outside, with a grey, abstract hood encapsulating everything below it, surrounding the desperate trees and defeated earth and surrounding me existing somewhere between the two. Grey is a beautiful color but for some reason the hue only seems beautiful in an upbeat way when spelled with an "a" instead. This sky insists on an "e" and within it I reach for the same vowel.
Around me this grey bubble tinges my skin grey, and my thoughts, too, absorb the somber dye that leaks through.
Around me this grey bubble tinges my skin grey, and my thoughts, too, absorb the somber dye that leaks through.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Floating Fast
I wrote this back in July and just stumbled upon it again. I think I still feel the way I did when I wrote this, if not more so now that the days until I leave for college are dwindling in number.
So today's the day we pack up and leave our humble Cape abode for the real world again. Leaving is always my least favorite part of a vacation, but I guess most people would agree with me on that. There is something unsettling about having to pick up and ship off, especially following a vacation, which is so short. You've barely established normalcy in your "new" (or current) home, and just as things are starting to become comfortable, and feel "right," you have to uproot and move on once more. I feel like this is the same with my life right now. I moved here last year, withdrawing myself from a home that had taken me 5 years to mold and craft into something I loved and within which I fit. The past year and a half, I have come to live within a new life, one I love more deeply than my old lives, and one that, quite frankly, I'm not yet ready to leave. I hear all the time that the friends you meet in college are the friends that stay with you for the rest of your life. But what about my high school friends? Laura, Leanne, Katie--the three of them are my closest, best friends and I hate the idea that college is going to "replace" them with newer and better people. The same goes with so many other people here. I want my friends, both new and old, to peacefully coexist within my world. So few of my friends from Duxbury survived the physical distance that came between us, and the few friends that remain I'm even more scared of losing--because my connection to them, within just a few short months, will be doubly removed, if that makes any sense.
I guess what this all boils down to is the fact that I am not good with change. I say I like it, and I do, but I also hate the chaos it causes internally, the frantic searching that ensues to rediscover myself in the latest form of me, Sam. I am excited for the fall, excited to meet new girls from all over the world. I've been talking enthusiastically with girls from Sri Lanka, Japan, England, all of whom seem so anticipatory and so ready to get on with this next part of their lives. I want to be just as ready as them, but I feel like the next chapter of my life will be incomplete-- incomplete because I will have no guy friends within it, incomplete because not all of my friends will be with me every step of the way to share it, incomplete because every time I have to start from scratch, I feel like I always leave something out, and I'm never quite sure what it is, if I really did forget something.
There's a beautiful quote from the song "Hummingbird," by Wilco.
Remember to remember me,
standing still in your past,
floating fast like a hummingbird.
It is childish to admit, but I wish we could all be hummingbirds, suspending ourselves within each other's pasts so that we can always come back to this part of our lives, so that we never have to leave it all behind for good.
Does this make any sense? Sometimes I feel delusional.
So today's the day we pack up and leave our humble Cape abode for the real world again. Leaving is always my least favorite part of a vacation, but I guess most people would agree with me on that. There is something unsettling about having to pick up and ship off, especially following a vacation, which is so short. You've barely established normalcy in your "new" (or current) home, and just as things are starting to become comfortable, and feel "right," you have to uproot and move on once more. I feel like this is the same with my life right now. I moved here last year, withdrawing myself from a home that had taken me 5 years to mold and craft into something I loved and within which I fit. The past year and a half, I have come to live within a new life, one I love more deeply than my old lives, and one that, quite frankly, I'm not yet ready to leave. I hear all the time that the friends you meet in college are the friends that stay with you for the rest of your life. But what about my high school friends? Laura, Leanne, Katie--the three of them are my closest, best friends and I hate the idea that college is going to "replace" them with newer and better people. The same goes with so many other people here. I want my friends, both new and old, to peacefully coexist within my world. So few of my friends from Duxbury survived the physical distance that came between us, and the few friends that remain I'm even more scared of losing--because my connection to them, within just a few short months, will be doubly removed, if that makes any sense.
I guess what this all boils down to is the fact that I am not good with change. I say I like it, and I do, but I also hate the chaos it causes internally, the frantic searching that ensues to rediscover myself in the latest form of me, Sam. I am excited for the fall, excited to meet new girls from all over the world. I've been talking enthusiastically with girls from Sri Lanka, Japan, England, all of whom seem so anticipatory and so ready to get on with this next part of their lives. I want to be just as ready as them, but I feel like the next chapter of my life will be incomplete-- incomplete because I will have no guy friends within it, incomplete because not all of my friends will be with me every step of the way to share it, incomplete because every time I have to start from scratch, I feel like I always leave something out, and I'm never quite sure what it is, if I really did forget something.
There's a beautiful quote from the song "Hummingbird," by Wilco.
Remember to remember me,
standing still in your past,
floating fast like a hummingbird.
It is childish to admit, but I wish we could all be hummingbirds, suspending ourselves within each other's pasts so that we can always come back to this part of our lives, so that we never have to leave it all behind for good.
Does this make any sense? Sometimes I feel delusional.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Sunday, August 8, 2010
I can't think.
The song of the day is "Intuition" by Feist.
A destination known
only by the one
who's fate is overgrown.
Piecemeal could break your home in half.
A love is not complete with only heat.
And did I, did I
miss out on you?
A destination known
only by the one
who's fate is overgrown.
Piecemeal could break your home in half.
A love is not complete with only heat.
And did I, did I
miss out on you?
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Planetarium
Dvorak smothers us both as the wiry bulbs catch fire, lighting up and into each other, whirring around the circular dome in an impassioned display. I am small within this bubble and you are no bigger than I. The constellations overhead taunt our meager forms in the dark, each illuminated speck throbbing, and I am humbled by the sheer enormity of this fake sky.
Humans are no match for what lingers above.
Humans are no match for what lingers above.
Monday, August 2, 2010
10:28 PM
I cannot tell if you are ignoring me, or if you simply just do not care enough to talk to me anymore. The worst part is that I almost wish it were the former, because then, at least, I can tell myself you are thinking of me.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
College
I think my biggest fear is that, surrounded by 2,000 other students, I will feel unbelievably alone.
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