Sunday, November 29, 2009

1.5 mm

What lies beneath our skin is far more important than what appears above it.
Skin itself holds untold secrets.
Everybody looks above or below, and so these unknowns remain hidden.
Search within, pierce the cell foundations.
This casing which we live inside is beautiful.


It's nice to all be home right now.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009


Tonight at roughly 7:45 PM I discovered how it feels to know that there are people watching out for you, every second of every minute, for no other reason than that they care about you and you are important to them. Tonight at roughly 7:45 PM, my friends told the waitstaff at the Texas Roadhouse it was my birthday (it wasn't) and asked them to sing Happy Birthday to an extremely grumpy me. Tonight at roughly 7:55 PM, the waitstaff at the Texas Roadhouse came up to our table, forced me to sit on a riding saddle (I sat side-saddle, as all English ladies should) and wave a napkin in the air. Tonight at roughly 7:57 PM, I retreated from my temporary brushed-leather prison and scooted back into the booth, face red from both humiliation and amusement. I was embarrassed, so completely embarrassed.

"Sam are you crying?!"

I was. Not because I was mortified, not because I had laughed myself to tears. Because two girls hold me close enough in their hearts to do anything for me.

I love you both.

Strawberry Blonde

I love my sister.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Can Anybody Hear Me?

Today my teacher remarked on the self-plight of blogs. They are, he claimed, nothing more than dim cries for attention, for someone, anyone, to know that we exist. ("I'm here! I'm here!") There was a fair share of les bloggers in the room at the time, and a part of me is curious to know what they were thinking, listening to these words.

Certainly some blogs are nothing more than doldrum expirations of time. Clicking the "next" button on the toolbar at the top of my page is a fairly strong reassurance of this fact because usually I see five consecutive pages of Spanish

Yet I feel like the ones I read are not meant as evidence, as proofs of existence. I am aware of the writers, keenly alert to them when I see them in school or on the street or here or there or both. Sometimes--and I'm sure this sounds, in some degree, lame--sometimes the best part of my day is sitting down and placing myself beside these people, reading what they have to say, absorbing their thoughts, thoughts which are pure and raw and beautiful. Their words have meaning, if not to everyone then at the very least to me.

Sometimes I secretly hope that there is a person who sits down at night ready to catch a glimpse of my mind.

Sunday, November 22, 2009


I'm trying to write a script for my drama class.
I keep thinking to myself, This should be easy.
I write poetry all the time. It pours over my school work, leaks onto my hands, even sticks to the rubber soles of my shoes.
The theatre is my second home. I've read dozens and dozens of scripts this past summer alone.
I keep staring at the notebook in front of me, thinking to myself, Why isn't this easier?
I want to write about something real, something in my life.
I understand it best.
Why is it that everything true seems incomprehensible on paper?
No one believes the truth anymore.

Humble Pie

I wonder what it would be like to put my shoes on both at the same time.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

MC 18

I've been moving up and down today, not really in my mood so much as my level of intensity, which consistently fluctuates between this enormous passion for living and then this quiet reserve where all I want to do is people-watch. At the moment I'm at a standstill between the two, anticipating the switch perhaps not eagerly but certainly with an almost shy level of expectancy.

I feel everything right now. I feel everything on this elevated plane, at an altitude where I no longer see people and instead I see walking frames of distinct emotions. Yesterday I was frustrated and I looked at my friends and all I could picture through my narrowed eyes was heat, this red energy that they had no control over because I was creating it, because I was so embittered that their smiles seemed like jeering pokes, because I felt pricked by their ability to laugh and joke and jest while simultaneously I stood trapped in my inability.

Yesterday I watched a girl and a boy walk down the hallway together. Their fingers tapped, flirting with the idea of partnership, and yet these appendages seemed more to me like incongruous cogwheels. The pegs fit mostly due to pressure, to force so heavy that manipulation sets in and everything is faked, like when you tell yourself that the two puzzle pieces you just joined actually do fit together and that the minuscule slivered crescent moon of blank space lying in between is intentional. Their fingers were incongruous, not with each other but with the standards set for them by the bodies they inhabited. Yesterday I watched this girl and this boy, this immaculate pair, travel down the hallway, their backs to me, faces toward things they don't know or don't understand or can't possibly anticipate merely because a combination of youthful naïveté and inherent uncertainty blocked the window ahead. Yesterday I watched them and I felt love in the purest form, in a way that is unlike any love that has consumed me before. I looked at them and I felt their need to be near another person, their desire to have something, someone to walk alongside toward an unsettled future. I felt the comfort and security of an extra set of eyes and of an extra body and of an extra voice. The French have one-hundred and fourteen variations of the word "love." Yesterday I felt all of them.

Everyone is absolutely beautiful lately.

Monday, November 16, 2009

8:58 PM

One thousand times may not be enough.

Shrugged Off

Why is it that sometimes we feel so incredibly lonely but to reach out to people seems like the last thing we should do? Maybe it's because every now and then, when we extend our frail, thinning hands, hoping desperately that stronger, warmer fingertips return the gesture, all we feel, all we perceive, all we get is a sharp, obvious push away.

Why is it that some of the people we need most are the very same people who make our lives miserable?
In this, we are all hypocrites.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Close Encounters

Today at the EcoTarium I was almost attacked by a screech owl. Kathy, the trainer, was putting her back in her cage and she latched onto the door and went flying across the room, straight toward my unprotected head. Meanwhile I freaked out and ducked my head, shielding Carrot Top, the Eastern Box Turtle I was working with, from this flying fluffball. Luckily she skimmed over my head and landed her notched talons on the glass snake case a few feet in front of me.

In other news, I think the turtles have become a bit too comfortable around me. Dr. Evil peed on me 8 times, and his mum, Notch, peed on me once. Like mother, like son?

Furthermore, I miss you.

Every Morning

I want to tell you today that I love you.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Paper Clip Beauty

Every morning, my hands slip into their accouterments. Five bands of silver, one of gold: six rings that circle, surround, enclose my thin fingers. Each has immeasurable significance, possessing a story as beautiful and individual as the printed fingertips they slide past each morning. Around my left hand slide five bracelets, settling in a congregation just below the base of the palm, at the nape of my wrist. These, too, carry histories all their own. The Livestrong on my right hand, its bright yellow rubber a stark contrast to my pale skin, first attached itself in eighth grade and has remained a constant presence ever since.

To others, the jewelry I wear is simply that: pieces of metal hardware, rings and bracelets meant purely for decoration. Yet these ornaments are appendages, extensions of my fingers. They have intertwined with the hands of another, felt the warmth and silent love emanating between a gentle squeeze. They have experienced the rough and tumble of Willson Osborne's "Rhapsody," jerked up and down allowing notes to pass through hollowed wood and burst into the colored tones of a contemporary masterpiece. They have gripped thousands of pencils, hundreds of pens, contributed to the words that align and realign themselves into stanzas, into poetic expansions of myself. My bracelets have hugged and have danced. My rings have tickled and wiped away tears. Every night, these pieces part ways with my hands, temporarily separating their existence from my body, until the next day, when I lengthen and extend myself through their metal forms once more.

As I Step to the Edge and I Sign With a Kiss

Today in homeroom we all had to fill out Senior Superlatives. EW. They're fun, just because they're fun. (If that makes any sense at makes sense to me at least.) But superlatives are contrived, so artificial. Catie Kollins put it the best. She said, "It's the equivalent of saying, 'Well, you, you, and you all have pretty eyes, but YOUR eyes are the prettiest.'" Can you even gauge the prettiness of eyes? Tyler Groll and Alex Nowak both have beautiful blue eyes. As I see it, I could vote either way: either way, my vote would go to someone with blue eyes. (No, that sentence was not redundant, I swear.) And anyway, I think part of what makes eyes so alluring is the connection we feel when we look into them. If I was voting based on that, based on the eyes that I really, really love, the person I'd pick has brown eyes. Which are beautiful, in a deep-chocolate sort of way, but not in the stereotypical, "ohmigawd yo' eyes ah soooo bluuuuuu" way.

Maybe my rambling makes no sense. I really have nothing against superlatives, nor am I bitter about them at all. I just...think they're funny. Years from now, all one will be is an extra picture in the yearbook.

Today's song of the day is "Man On the Moon" by Mario Spinetti, although anything by him is worth listening to. He's a graduate of NYU and he has the most amazing voice, it's so pure and very ethereal and his lyrics are ingenuous and I just love him. 

"It said 'Let our nation rise'
I'm a victim to prose in that…
Send my love to the spoon and cat
It said 'Let our nation rise'
Here's to you, here's to solitaire
Here's to star-fishing in the air."

Wednesday, November 11, 2009


Some truths become
more apparent
with time.

This one has
but I've managed
to push it
time after time
and time

Ignoring it
will no longer

I stumble over its desire
to be noticed,
twist my ankle
from its gnarled
that claws its way
through the soil
and up
underneath my feet.

Perhaps if I accept
this weed
its presence
cannot harm me:

I don't know how
to get out of
my own

11/11/09 -- 12:50 AM

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

In the Air

It smells like Fall. I can't even describe the smell, but everyone knows it and it's here and I love it I love it I love it. Right now the trees are dropping their leaves in preparation for winter. Right now the trees are burning, flaming bright red and orange and yellow, screaming out to us, Hello, we're dying once again. Life's ironies never cease to amaze me. In their final hours each year, when fire emanates from every branch and whisks at our feet as we make our way down the leafy streets, at this point right before temporary death, trees are more beautiful than any green vibrancy could ever hope to be.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Spin Again

I wish life was as easy as its boardgame counterpart.

Sunday, November 8, 2009


"Had the price of looking been blindness, I would have looked."

-Battle Royal

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Glow Worm

Last night was the official first White Hot Party. Alex and I spent months getting ready for it and it finally came and it was amazing! I am so incredibly proud of everything. The music was great, the lights worked perfectly, everyone glowed and danced and just had incredible fun.

Last night was the happiest I've been since school started.
Maybe I should rave more often.

Thursday, November 5, 2009


"There ain’t no sin and there ain’t no virtue. There’s just stuff people do. It’s all part of the same thing.”

-The Grapes of Wrath

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Drift Thoughts

Today I really tried to begin "inviting" people into my life. It's a tough surface to break and a deep distance to penetrate, but I'm determined to get through it. There is no reason why my life, my love, needs any sort of cap or limit.

Currently I am supposed to be writing a research essay on pinhole cameras, which I actually happen to find fascinating since I was first introduced to one in August. The first pinhole camera was actually invented by the same Scottish chap who invented the kaleidoscope, which I think is the coolest conincidence ever. In any case, I'm itching to build a pinhole camera of my own. (Cue me looking for an oatmeal can to tear apart, then allowing Doubt to scream into my ear, "You're not smart enough!" and back away snickering as I sigh and place the container back on the cabinet shelf.) I'm not sure why I always place these roadblocks in front of myself, because I know if I thought about it I probably definitely could make a pinhole camera, and how truly wonderful would that be? But... I don't know. Physics is a tough concept for me to grasp. I just cannot seem to wrap my mind around it. It's too.....huge.

Anyway, I'm supposed to be writing an essay on the structure and functions of pinhole cameras. I'd much rather sift through the pages upon virtual pages of pinhole photographs that keep occurring on my Google results page. The things people have captured without even using a lens astound me. Science is brilliant, which maybe sounds redundant but truly, positively, I feel like these theories and concepts aren't theories and concepts but just these fantastic results, these fantastic THINGS sitting in front of me, surrounding me, 190,000,000 miles away from me on the other side of the planet. Taking them apart so we understand them is an honorable mission, and one I don't challenge. But for me, personally, I appreciate science as this abstract marvel of a thing.

Needless to say I haven't written my essay yet. I did go to the library to check out some books on pinhole cameras (mostly for my own personal interest when--IF--I find a spare moment to actually read something of my own volition), but the Gale Free had none. Maybe I'm one of the few people who frequent the non-fiction section, but the basement is my favorite part of the library and sadly it lacks books on so many amazing topics. If I had money I would throw it at them (figuratively-speaking, though literally throwing it at them could be entertaining) and encourage them to buys books on composting and books about pinhole cameras and all of the Rod McKuen volumes they can get their hands on.

I am seriously considering closing the Microsoft document I've had open for the last two hours, which has barely any writing save a few abstract phrases and snippets of information. The depth of field is infinite, but optical blurring can occur: it just doesn't depend on object distance. Out of context, essay aside, forgetting physics altogether... that is absolutely beautiful.

I wish I could write about science in exactly the manner I feel. Unfortunately there seems to be little room in physics for flowery ponderings on concrete knowledge.

On another note... I accidentally stumbled upon this blog today. I can't read it (despite years of Spanish it never stuck), but I don't think words are needed. The image alone made me laugh so hard. Obscurity is the most humorous thing to me.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

If You Never Say Your Name Out Loud to Anyone, They Can Never, Ever Call You by It

There are certain people I see every day in school that I never, ever talk to. Or, if I do, our conversations are brief, fleeting--moreso a passing word or answers to questions than anything else. Every day I see them, every day in the hall in the cafeteria in the parking lot in the gym. You'd think with so much regularity there might be an actual connection.

Sometimes I want so badly for there to be one. Even if we have nothing "in common," we have in common those quick, passing moments, and surely isn't that enough?

Why is it so much harder to get to know someone once you've known them for a while? That doesn't make sense, but I guess what I mean is why, once you've been acquainted with someone just by coincidentally sitting diagonally across from them in class or meeting once because she's the friend of your friend, is it so infinitely harder to become friends? Maybe we think the reason we're not friends with these people is because they don't want to be friends with us. I feel this all the time, like some unexplainable insecurity on my own part inhibits me from even testing the waters.

I think, sometimes, we feel limited by our friends, maybe not directly by them but certainly by the little bubble or aura or orb or sphere or whatever shape I mean, certainly by this casing that surrounds our comfortable group. When we have friends with us, it seems an infinitesimal issue that we extend our branches. Yet when we know no one in a class, we reach out to that maybe-someone sitting next to us and remember how easy it is to invite people into our lives.

I want to invite these people into my life. No reservations, no R.S.V.P.s, no prerequisites.
Just....come on in. My door is OPEN.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Money Money Money

College confuses me.
I hope I'm not the only one.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

On Having Finally Completed the College Application Process

A human brain can only stretch to hold so much knowledge at once, though one may well argue that not all brains are created equal, and I would like to believe that my own brain is flexible. I recognize, too, the distinct difference between what I truly do not know and what I simply don't understand. I don't understand Snell's Law, despite the fact that its formula (n1sinθ1 = n2sinθ2!) has embedded itself into memory. I don't understand why the letter "E" was overlooked in the development of the modern grading system, but I know for a fact that letter grades move directly from a D to an F.

I am not scared of what I don't understand. Some of it I question and seek to reinforce, some of it I allow to rest unobtrusively in some lower layer of my mind.

What I don't know, however, intimidates me.
I don't even know everything I don't know.

I do not know why I instinctively dislike being alone. I do not know why I am afraid of clowns, or why, when surrounded by 50 bandmates dressed up as my fear personified, I begin to shake and have to close my eyes to prevent tears from betraying my façade of calm. I do not know why burnt Cheez-its taste infinitely better than regular ones, or why I have always put my socks on before my pants, or why, for some reason, I am far more talented at parking a vehicle to my left than to my right. I do know, from trial and error, that this is truly unarguable, but I truly do not know why.

I don't know why my current performance in Topics Calculus stems mostly from my teacher's skill, despite the fact that I know I am intelligent and I have always displayed a certain aptitude with numbers, but I recognize that the concepts thrown at me on any given day would fly right past my head were it not for the man standing at the front board.

I do not know the Muffin Man.

I do not know why poetry flows within me, through me, from me as easily as does the alphabet from a proud kindergartner. I do not know why I love so freely and unconditionally. I do not know why this choice to live with an open heart has led to as much hurt as it has. I do not know why I trust everyone without precedent.

I don't know what my future holds, and I doubt that the fortune teller situated off the highway ten minutes from my house knows, either. I don't know when I will die, and I honestly don't know whether I would want to know if I could know. I don't know if everyone has a soul mate, and, supposing everyone does, I don't know if I will ever find mine. Maybe he was that boy from that passing car on July 4th. Maybe he was. I don't know.

I do not know if someone found the message in a bottle that I so dutifully set afloat seven years ago. I do not know if someone will ever find the time capsule my sister and I buried eight years ago before we moved from Pembroke to Duxbury.

I do not know how to read minds, and so I promise not to attempt to read yours.

I don't know if a package of essay questions is truly an adequate representation of me as a person, but I also don't know any other way of expressing myself to a college through the U.S. Postal Service.

I don't know where I will get into college, and I don't know what colleges will reply to my obese manila folder with an anorexic envelope whose contents reject my diversity.

I do not know any of these things, but I do know that I feel forever more passionate, spontaneous, and alive among these unknowns.

I do not know how to explain myself.
But I do know I am a certainty among uncertainties.

He's back.

I've never been more relieved than in that first moment.


We always said that you weren't fat,
just that there was more of you to love.
My own love knew no bounds.
I refuse to believe you are gone for good.
Please surprise me.
Come home.