Dead End

When did you let our friendship turn from wonderful reciprocity to a static one-way mess?

Outstretched

Some of my friends give the best hugs.

Hot Off the Press

79-year-old Marilyn Hyson.

This summer I have been working as an intern at the Landmark in Holden. For those who read this blog but don't know what that is, the Landmark is the local newspaper for the Wachusett region, which includes the towns of Holden, Paxton, Princeton, Rutland, and Sterling. I applied in January to work as an intern, stating that my greatest interest was in copyediting.

Now a month into my internship, I have spent the least amount of my time as a copyeditor. Rather, Josh (my boss) has had me cover a number of stories in the area. In all honesty, although I was not originally planning on doing much reporting, I am really happy with the work I have been doing. Interviews are fun and I love to meet new people so I feel as if the benefits are twofold.

This past week, while covering an event at the Holden Senior Center, Kaitlin (my fellow intern) and I met the most amazing woman. Her name is Marilyn Hyson and she will be 80 this December. The remarkable thing about her, however, is neither her age nor her impressive abilities as a pianist. What is remarkable about Marilyn is that she lost her memory at age 38, and spent the next forty years recovering everything that she lost.

Her inspiring story made the front page of this week's paper, and I am so ecstatic, not just because Kaitlin and I wrote the piece, but also because Marilyn finally gets to share her incredible story with thousands of readers.

bare necessities

Today I hung out with Lu for the afternoon. We mostly just lazed by the pool, soaking up some vitamin D while we talked and talked and talked. Eventually we went to Rota Springs, where we grabbed some (as always) delicious ice cream and talked and talked. (I also managed to run into one of the tent poles on our way back to the car. My nose smacked right into the metal and it felt like it broke, but I think it is just bruised. I spent a good hour icing it so hopefully it won't be too purple tomorrow.) We spent the remainder of the day watching "Cash Cab" but also talking some more, and then we went to pick up dinner and we talked and talked there too.

This is not an unusual way for us to spend a day together. Quite honestly, this is normal, not just for me and Laura, but for all of our other friends, too. I will go see a movie with Katie but then end up back at her house gabbing for two hours straight about anything and everything. Leanne and I have racked up countless hours of conversation in much the same manner. Even group get-togethers follow the same general format. We congregate, we eat a bit, maybe we play a board game, but we always, always end up talking. Just talking.

And I love it. I love that we have the ability to not need to do anything when we are together. Talking is not only enough, it is more than enough. Maybe some people find this style of socialization lazy or doldrum. I beg to differ. I do plenty of fun and exciting things with my friends. But always, always there is that element of conversation that I so look forward to. Without exception, I leave any and every get-together feeling calm and happy and closer with my friends than I was before. I am so lucky to be so unequivocally content with such simpleness. I am lucky that, while I am with my friends, I do not feel as if I need to do more than talk or be more than I am.

Other facets of my life are much less elementary, but to have at the very least this one, beautifully uncomplicated thing is a gift I will never take for granted.

Happy Fathers' Day!

Especially to my own amazing dad. I love you!

Recap

Last night, Laura and I went to see Leanne in her opening night performance of the show "A Hotel on Marvin Gardens." It has been an inordinately long amount of time since I have last been able to watch her perform, and she did such a beautiful job! She made me laugh, delivered her monologues with gusto and precision, and did the sexiest wet hair toss I have ever seen. ;) I am really proud of her.

Today I worked at the EcoTarium. It was the first time  I have been there since the news about Kenda was released to the public, and there was definitely a noticeable change in mood. Everyone was still cheerful, of course, and quite excited to be at the museum, but sad smiles were passed between fellow employees and every now and then a guest would ask about her death or acknowledge her passing. It was a sad feeling, but also one of respect and memory. We have received tons of e-mails from Worcester-area residents telling stories about having "grown up" with Kenda ever since they were little, ever since she was born in 1983. Twenty-seven years is an extremely long time, especially for a polar bear, and she left behind a huge void, one which we are nowhere near ready to start filling. (Rumors are already circulating that we are getting penguins. PENGUINS! Cute idea, but untrue.)

I lost my favorite ring last night, a vintage piece from my great grandmother. It is silver with a red stone, beautiful beautiful beautiful, and I am so upset that I cannot find it anywhere. I keep hoping maybe it will turn up, but I think truthfully I am less optimistic and more so unwilling to admit it has disappeared. (If I did admit this to myself, I might cry.)

I am tired but, reflecting on my day, I am content with the work I did (and frankly looking forward to my paycheck next week). I think I will stay in tonight, hang out with my family, and maybe watch a little "Veronica Mars." My mum is baking a ham for dinner and the smell has wafted up through the Juliet window in our family room and into my room and it smells deeeeelicious Iamsohungry.

I had fun Thursday night, too. I have already said this, elsewhere, but I think it is worth saying again here. I had fun Thursday night. I laughed a lot.

It is nice to be reminded of how wonderful it feels to smile.

"I imagine that yes is the only living thing."

Lately I have been devoting quite a bit of time to thinking about my outlook on life. I read recently that, despite what is commonly believed, the way we act actually affects how we feel, and not the other way around. If I desire to be happy, then, such an achievement becomes only a matter of acting happy. Strictly speaking, one could argue that, by this philosophy, joy is only a few forced smiles away. I think, however, that the concept is larger. To be happy requires a positive outlook on life, even regarding things that we may not necessarily view positively at this moment in time. But, through daily reaffirmation, I truly believe we can effect change on our moods - on our internal selves - and become brighter, more beautiful spirits.

The other day I started compiling a list of "rules" - aphorisms, maxims, tenets, call them what you will - by which I would like to start living. Some are more serious than others, but all, I feel, hold some amount of importance. Some of them I do not yet believe, of course, but someday, they will all be truths by which I will continue to endure. My hope is that others will find truth in them as well, and start living beautiful lives.

01. I deserve love and I will find it.
02. People are beautiful.
03. The world is absolutely amazing.
04. Something wonderful happens every day.
05. I am not the only one with vices.
06. My body is beautiful as it is and its only imperfection is that I do not see this.
07. Crying does not make me weak.
08. Telling people I miss them does not make me weak.
09. If I feel like laughing, I should. My sense of humor is marvelous whether or not anyone else shares it.
10. "One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes." (Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince)
11. Every day is an opportunity to better myself.
12. Everybody deserves a smile.
13. Few people are actually bad. Most just have bad days.
14. Food was made to be eaten.
15. No self-doubt.
16. No inhibitions.
17. There is no room in my heart for regret.
18. Time does not stop, and all bad things eventually pass.
19. Pleasure and sin are not the same thing.
20. "We turn older not with years, but newer every day." (Emily Dickinson)
21. There is no reason to apologize for who I am.
22. Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.
23. I have been happy before and I will be happy again.
24. Every day is the right day to tell people I love them.
25. "I exist as I am, that is enough." (Walt Whitman)

Henry David Thoreau wrote a magnificent truth during the time he spent at Walden Pond. "How vain it is," he remarked, "to sit down and write when you have not stood up to live."

I have officially risen out of my chair, and today is the day I start to live.
 (Title quote: e.e. cummings)

Kenda

I just received an e-mail from the EcoTarium informing me that Kenda, our 27-year-old polar bear, was euthanized this afternoon after her weekly check-up with the veterinarians at Tufts Medical School: they discovered she had kidney disease.

Even as a part-time employee who has only been working at the museum for two years, I feel extremely sad right now. I was at the museum last night. I saw her. She looked beautiful as always. It is bizarre to think that, twenty-four hours later, she has moved on to a better place. 

I have to work both days this weekend and I know the sense of grief is only going to heighten.

empty sound

I feel a little hollow inside right now.

progression

A green formica counter
flush with the fingerprints
of hundreds of moments
stands guard
as the divide
between have and have not.

I have old emotions
rattling my brain and
pulsing through my bloodstream
and you have not a clue.

You brush your fingers through your hair
but instead of recommitting
your strands to memory
I notice your fingernails
are longer than mine.

Later we face the aquamarine fresco
of the pool.
We already know the water
is freezing
but I jump anyway
and with a smile
you plunge after me into its icy depths,
displacement of liquid
in action.

1:31 AM - 6/9/11

gpoy

The picture is gratuitous enough, as previously implied, but it does capture the way I feel right now far better than my words could.  I am also on my new bed and I lurveeee it.

Two days ago I cracked open my current poetry notebook and started writing. Despite my love of verse and my desire to produce poetry for a living, I have been unable to write anything of a satisfactory caliber in quite a long time. So, Tuesday night, I put an end to my dry spell and forced myself to journal, instead, just so I would have something on the page. The last time I kept a journal has to have been at least seven or eight years ago. Surely not since middle school, anyway. Over the last five or so years, poetry has been my way of documenting my life - events, people, feelings - and so it felt weird, at first, to journal again, to just write and write without any real thought to form or structure. It also felt extraordinarily therapeutic - to say something, to finally be writing again. Though not in verse form, at least my thoughts have once more found their way to a page. My hope in trying this was that, sooner or later, all this writing would somehow inspire me to write poetry again.

It must have worked because Tuesday night, or, more precisely, extremely early yesterday morning, I wrote my first poem in over three months, and I actually like it.

la belle vie

I love these girls immensely. 

They are beautiful people and they make everyone around them beautiful. 

I haven't been writing much lately.

My lack of words are not from a lack of anything to say. I have much to say. I lately have no way of saying any of it. My verbosity exists within my mind, thoughts swirling around, one large chaotic cyclone of chatter that becomes completely incoherent as soon as the words that comprise it are forced into any manner of shareable, structured form.

I do know how to say a few of the things on my mind.
I do know who I am.
I do know that I love my family and my friends.
I do know that the world is beautiful.

I also know how incredibly lonely I am.

Look At Me Now

Sometimes, when I see the three of you together, I chastise myself for wishing to comprise one-third of your trio, and even more so for letting my place in your lives somehow slip through my fingers and yours, as well.

I have done nothing if not try to find my way back.
I am starting to think that you prefer me when I am lost.