Thursday, October 15, 2009

I Wish I Were A Pinball Wizard

Yes. I am having "one of those days," one of those days. The problem here is that I really cannot articulate why or how today sucked, nor can I justify it. I love school. I need the social environment, and I find all of my classes engrossing, and (knock on wood--my one superstitious vice) I seem to be doing generally well. I have no idea what's wrong here. Maybe nothing is.

But then I come home from school and all of these worries, all of these fears arise, these tiny little stressballs that spiral through my veins--up my arms, down my legs, round and round the pit of my stomach--like cold metal pieces in a pinball game. I've lost control of my own internal arcade. I'm no longer the high scorer. I don't know whether to be embarrassed or to be accepting or to resolve to try my thumbs at it once more.

I can feel the ball ricochet up, down, and sideways: physics is incomprehensible to me regardless of how much I read the textbook and study the messy, unclear diagrams; I finished everything "college"--except for my supplemental essays--this summer and yet even with all of that preparation (which was mostly to avoid AP work, go figure) I now find myself behind? [I'm more afraid I've lost the motivation]; my impending English critique makes me want to resume my preteen habit of nail-biting, and the only thing currently keeping me from doing so is a combination of hair-pulling and fear of the Swine flu; and my sleeping habits, so meticulously sculpted and perfected to a regimen during the summer months, have finally caved in to the grueling demands of school, and as a result my body seems to be consistently heavy from exhaustion.

I have so much love pulsing within me and I'm completely incapable of sharing it with the people I truly want to.

Just for once I'd like to win a round of my own inner contest.

1 comment:

  1. You're so well-spoken. I love it.

    And I definitely feel like you just pulled my thoughts right from my brain, because this is exactly how I'm feeling today.