Nobody's Heart

"I am the woman
who sat by the sea
and swallowed the world
                       as she waited."

-Rod McKuen
from Valentines

Objectivism

"Do you mean to tell me that you're thinking seriously of building that way, when and if you are an architect?"
"Yes."
"My dear fellow, who will let you?"
"That's not the point. The point is, who will stop me?"

-Ayn Rand
The Fountainhead

It's been a while.

Hello again, old friends.

"I've been to the zoo."

This is my "Prepare to be whipped, English midterm paper!" face.

I'd say Edward Albee ain't got nothin' on me, especially since it rhymes so nicely, but he's a brilliant playwright and I'm even more enamored with The Zoo Story than I was with Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf. (Is that even possible?) I suppose, then, that I will merely say I hope that my analysis does his work even the smallest bit of justice.

But actually.

Chorus:

"    O the generations of men
the dying generations - adding the total
of all your lives I find they come to nothing...
                   does there exist, is there a man on earth
who seizes more joy than just a dream, a vision?
And the vision no sooner dawns than dies
blazing into oblivion."

-excerpt, Oedipus the King
SOPHOCLES

Little One

This is only to say that I
apologize
whole heartedly
for my earlier
)indiscretion(
and furthermore
request the presence of
the soft
palms
and smooth
skin
of your hands  
                        [within] 
        my own.


Do pardon my
forwardness,
but subtleties evade me
and
I cannot (contain)
my innate
desire
to align   
  myself
once more
with  
                        you.

Goodnight.

little thing

Yesterday Nicole, one of the seniors in Jack, or the Submission, told me that she is really happy that I am doing the show with them. I worked with Nicole last spring in Skin of Our Teeth, but hearing her tell me that, of her own volition, made my day, and possibly my week. And it made me really, really happy.

I feel like I might be finally coming to the right place within this theatre major of mine.

10 Years

Start to forgive.
Never forget.
Find peace.
Always love.

good things

I just received an e-mail from the stage manager for Jack, or the Submission. I've been cast as Jacqueline! Our first rehearsal is this Monday night and I am so thrilled to start my second show ever with the theatre department, and to get to work so closely with so many brilliant seniors, including Bryna, the director.

Yesterday I also auditioned for the other theatre department show this semester, The Servant of Two Masters. Roger Babb (with whom I worked on Skin of Our Teeth) is adapting the play into a musical, but since there are non-musical parts, he said I could audition without singing. So I did, and then at the end of my readings, he asked me to sing. I politely refused, but he somehow finagled me into it. When I told him I didn't have any singing material prepared, he told me that I should sing whatever song came to mind. Then I said, "Roger, I've had a song stuck in my head for the last 24 hours but it's really inappropriate" -- to which he replied, "Just sing it anyway." So I did. And I sang the chorus to this. Yes, I know, really embarrassing. After I finished singing, Roger sat quietly (leaving me to think I was about to be dismissed from the theatre for good) until he said, "I like that song." I promptly followed this remark by clarifying that I had not, in fact, just had sex. (The musical director, Brendan Connelly, who is also my "Sound Design" professor, joked that he wasn't so sure.) This is a terribly long story, I know, but it was funny in the moment and still funny now, at least to me.

Anyway, after my full audition ended, Roger came to speak with me about callbacks for his show. He wanted to call me back but he also knew that I had auditioned for Bryna's show, so he asked me which I would prefer to be cast in if they both wanted me. We talked for a bit and decided that Bryna's show would be a better fit in my schedule (which is true), but he also told me that he considers me to be the next in a [somewhat exclusive] line of student actors in the department that he trusts and that he always knows he can use somewhere, somehow in his shows. Basically this meant he compared me with Jane Bradley (Sabina in Skin of Our Teeth) and Bryna and all of the other exceedingly talented seniors. I don't know if Roger knows it, but he made my day with that comment.

I was so overcome with surprise (and excitement) that Roger likes me as an actress that I blurted out, "Will you be my advisor?" before I could really think about the timing of my question. He's in the middle of auditions for a huge, 18th-century musical, he's set to leave for sabbatical in January, and he is already advising about half of this year's graduating theatre majors. But I've been meaning to ask for a while now, and not because I dislike my current advisor: she heads the department and has an adorable British accent, but she also focuses on set and costume design, whereas I plan to focus on performance. Since Roger is one of the two directors in the department, I know he's a better fit for me. So I asked the question and (again to my welcomed surprise) he said yes! All I have to do is fill out an advisor-change form and I am good to go. It seems strange now but I had been dreading asking him, maybe because up until yesterday I still felt unsure as to my working relationship with Roger. Our discussion yesterday, however, has made me feel 110% better about my standing within the department or, at the very least, my standing with Roger.

Enough about the theatre department, though! Classes started Wednesday and I accidentally missed my first class of the semester, due to a faulty alarm. It was my "Modern American Drama" class at UMass, the very first course I'm taking off-campus, and I slept through the bus time I was supposed to make. Whoops. Luckily Leanne is in the lecture with me (I am so happy!) and she said I didn't miss much. I also feel I should somewhat redeem myself by confirming that I did, indeed, make it to the discussion section of this class yesterday. I also feel I should thank my saint of a mother for calmly taking two semi-hysterical phone calls regarding my trials and tribulations with UMass and its campus. (Thank you!)

The rest of my courses, all at Mount Holyoke, seem really interesting as well! I have a required course on tutoring for writing, which I have to complete in order to work at the Speaking, Arguing, and Writing Center next semester. I am enrolled in two theatre courses: "Histories of Performance," which apparently is the death of some aspiring theatre majors, and "Sound Design for Theatre and Film," which after only one class I know I am going to love! I am also taking a gender studies course called "Politics of Abortion," taught by a professor from Latin America and focusing on abortion laws in North and South America. The reading load for the class is quite heavy, although unfortunately I have found this to be a common theme among most (read: 4 out of 5) of my courses.

Admittedly I feel slightly nervous that I may have overcommitted myself this fall, since I now have a theatre practicum (Jack) and I am also secretary of Project: Theatre (I'm so excited for the season to start!) and I'm copyediting for the newspaper and working on the lit mag. Maybe it doesn't sound like much, but it feels like a lot, and I did contemplate dropping an academic course to even everything out. I can't pick one that I would willingly drop, though! They're all far too interesting. I suppose I will just sell my soul to academia for the next four months.

I realize I have rambled for some time now about theatre and courses and things that are likely of little or no interest to anyone else, and I apologize. Here's to hoping that whoever may be reading this is happy, healthy, and enjoying life right now. And for those of you at school, have a great fall semester!

Cat

Auditions for Jack, or the Submission are tonight and I'm more than a little nervous. Absurdist theatre is simultaneously brilliant to watch and terrifying to initially interpret.

dial tone

Are you really this afraid to be the first to break the silence?

I've met so many new people

in just five days here! I love being back at school, much more than I thought I would.

Honesty

Tonight you told me how uncommonly straightforward you are with me.
It's about time I returned the favor.
Maybe you'll see this, or maybe you won't, but here's my truth:
I am so glad to have a friend like you.
And I am so happy with us as we are, too.

if you won't let me

Today's song is "Ain't No Way" by Aretha Franklin, simply because it feels so very true right now.

I know that a woman's duty
is to help and love a man
and that's the way it was planned--
oh, but how can I
give you all the things I can
if you're tying both of my hands?

I wish you wouldn't keep screwing things up.

Love is love.
Why can't you understand how simple things could be?

Catch-Up

This afternoon I came home from work and within minutes felt inexplicably, rather embarrassingly lonely. I don't know what exactly was the cause. I have an idea, but its acknowledgement would mean I have once again taken ten steps backwards in a relationship I have been attempting to define and redefine for years now.

Not knowing what to do, or who to speak with, I called my friend Kaitlin, with whom I have spent the summer working through my internship at The Landmark. Luckily she was free, and we met up at the Bagel Inn for an impromptu, late lunch. It was delicious as always, and I was so glad to get to see Kait once more before I leave for school on Wednesday. She is adorable and we have become close over the past few months. She let me vent about all of my unresolved problems, something I was both hoping would happen but also not expecting. She is such a great listener and such a sweetheart, and she cheered me up immensely in a matter of minutes. We spent the next hour just chatting about life - events, people, places. It was nice and exactly what I needed at the time. Kait, if you are reading this, you are an absolute doll and I am so very lucky to have met you this summer! Thank you for this afternoon. Really, truly, thank you.

I skyped with Lu tonight and it was nice to see her and hear her pretty voice again. She's only been gone for a week now but I already feel her absence tremendously. Every day I wish I could see her and give her a big hug and laugh with her and share the little moments that usually comprise our time together. It was nice to speak with her, though, and see how happy she is to be back in North Carolina. I know she was dreading leaving us behind to head back to High Point, but I also knew that she would be absolutely fine once she actually settled back down into college life, and she completely is, and I am so glad for her. I am already counting down the days until Thanksgiving weekend! Only 99 days to go.

It is now 11:00 p.m. My entire family has gone off to our respective bedrooms, making tonight one of the quietest summer evenings yet. I'm lying in bed, about to watch "Doubt" with Meryl Streep and Amy Adams. I have been meaning to see the film for a while now, especially since I love the play and actually did some scene work from the original script with my friend Ashley for a theatre class this spring. It is not by any means the happiest of films with which to end my day, but I think it's due at the library soon, and I don't feel very tired yet, so I figure now is as good a time as any to watch it. The entire main cast earned Oscar nominations, so I know at the very least that it will be fantastic.

I really want to phone someone right now but I am pretty sure my call will be less than well received. I always overthink things, though, so maybe the resistance I perceive to be real is merely my own worries coalescing into one giant mess.

We shall see.

Only six days until I head back to Mount Holyoke. Parting is bittersweet and something I am simultaneously dying for and dreading with all of my being.

u-s

I wish you missed me the way I miss you.
Actually, I really just wish you missed me at all.

How I felt today.

Tomorrow will be better, I hope.

descent, decline, desertion.

My heart drops
a little lower in my stomach
each time
I see the spark in your eyes
because
more often
than not
it flickers only
when you recall
a moment you spent
with her.