I'm annoyed with the people who run the NYC-Five College shuttle.

Do not tell me that you offer rides back from NYC on Saturday evenings if you are not actually going to provide them.

Homemade fudge is delicious but I feel sinful eating it and not in any way that makes me feel good.

I will never remedy the sadness that absorbs my entire body every time I see or hear from him. I feel blue in my toes and my ears and my lungs and my shoulders and my hands and all the places in between. Time refuses to move faster and in its slow-passing state, I seem unable to recover from the hurt he inevitably had to cause.

I already miss home. I miss my family more. We began decorating the house for Christmas last night and all I want now is to be there with them, humming along to overplayed holiday songs and stringing garland around the banister in the hallway.

Nineteen days and then I am free.

good things

Today I:

-passed in my English paper.

-got an A on my Stats exam.

-ate mashed potatoes for dinner.

-am one day away from going home!

I can't wait to return to something like this.

48 Hours

I cannot wait to go home home home home!

All I had for dinner was sticky white rice, a piece of toast, and some graham crackers.

How do I eat food made in the same kitchen as the food that didn't agree with me?
I hate being sick.

Registering for classes sucks.

I have nothing else to say, at least nothing intelligent.

I am writing a paper in the library and I'm freezing.

My feet seek refuge from the cold beneath my folded and crisscrossed legs. My sweater is fully buttoned as, too, is my peacoat, and yet I can still feel the goosebumps lurking beneath my sleeves.

The girls on the couches a few feet away are talking loudly. They have no homework to complete, only conversation.

Their own coats lie strewn across the floor.

I don't understand

how some people keep the company of genuinely mean persons.

My inspiration for peace.

All Hallow's Eve

French kiss.

Posh Spice and Rihanna.

  

With Raggedy Ann.

Happy Halloween!

MacGregor at Lunchtime

One of the chefs in our dining hall loves to sing along with the radio. Today he belted out "Bad Romance" with Lady Gaga and from my own post one hundred feet away, I could not help but smile when his voice lofted past my ears.

I don't normally like tattoos, but I love this.

  
I'm afraid of becoming an adult without dreams.

In Bloom

Today I wore one of my pairs of Betsey Johnson tights.
They were black and covered in flowers.
I felt perfectly girly, and somehow everything around me smelled better and shined brighter.

I miss you!

Outta Mind, Outta Sight

I am sick.
Being sick in college is not fun.

Every time I stand up, the room starts to spin and my head pounds. I feel tired all the time and my body won't stop shaking. When it's warm in the room, I'm cold. When it's cold, I'm hot. Somehow, despite all of this, I managed to make it to both of my classes today. I barely remember French at all, beyond smiling and repeating certain phrases. I think I voluntarily spoke twice, but anything I said likely sounded ridiculously mundane given my current state of mind. My Lit class wasn't much better. We're sailing through A Midsummer Night's Dream right now, which happens to be my favorite work of Shakespeare's, and I'm sitting in class, my head bobbing up and down only enough for me, and nobody else, to notice. Professor Yu asks what we've observed and I mention something about the fluctuating strengths of the female characters and also, for good measure, throw in how much I adore Bottom, because he makes my life complete.

I took a nap this afternoon but it was more so a restless hour spent in bed, eyes closed, face to the ceiling. The cracked patterns in the tiles played like whirligigs.

Now I'm awake, but only because at a certain point, I got tired of tossing and turning.

There is no need for you

There is no need for you to tell me that I am beautiful.

What am I supposed to say in return
that you haven't
already heard
from her?



[there is a reason I don't hug you anymore] 

4:30 PM - 10.22.10

Ducts

I cried today.
It felt good
but I stopped
before
I was
done.

(in)Destructible

All we needed were paper crowns to feel invincible.

Great Expectations

"Expect nothing. Live frugally on surprise."

-Alice Walker

I cannot focus.

Blame it on the ADHD. Blame it on the broken heater in my room. Blame it on the lack of light. Blame it on the view out my window, on the vibrancy that screams through the glass panes and ropes around my head, jerking me away from diligence and toward daydream. Blame it on the roommate who makes me wonder constantly where I stand. Blame it on sleep deprivation. Blame it on all of the other bullets on the piece of paper marked "TO DO" that taunt me because I have yet to catch up with them. Blame it on the stress. Blame it on transfer applications, on the need for a 3.5 or better to even bother sealing the envelope. Blame it on the ink in my pen running low. Blame it on this uncomfortable desk chair. Blame it on the act of blaming things.

Blech.

Rhythm

My heart beats a little faster these days.