I've met so many new people

in just five days here! I love being back at school, much more than I thought I would.

Honesty

Tonight you told me how uncommonly straightforward you are with me.
It's about time I returned the favor.
Maybe you'll see this, or maybe you won't, but here's my truth:
I am so glad to have a friend like you.
And I am so happy with us as we are, too.

if you won't let me

Today's song is "Ain't No Way" by Aretha Franklin, simply because it feels so very true right now.

I know that a woman's duty
is to help and love a man
and that's the way it was planned--
oh, but how can I
give you all the things I can
if you're tying both of my hands?

I wish you wouldn't keep screwing things up.

Love is love.
Why can't you understand how simple things could be?

Catch-Up

This afternoon I came home from work and within minutes felt inexplicably, rather embarrassingly lonely. I don't know what exactly was the cause. I have an idea, but its acknowledgement would mean I have once again taken ten steps backwards in a relationship I have been attempting to define and redefine for years now.

Not knowing what to do, or who to speak with, I called my friend Kaitlin, with whom I have spent the summer working through my internship at The Landmark. Luckily she was free, and we met up at the Bagel Inn for an impromptu, late lunch. It was delicious as always, and I was so glad to get to see Kait once more before I leave for school on Wednesday. She is adorable and we have become close over the past few months. She let me vent about all of my unresolved problems, something I was both hoping would happen but also not expecting. She is such a great listener and such a sweetheart, and she cheered me up immensely in a matter of minutes. We spent the next hour just chatting about life - events, people, places. It was nice and exactly what I needed at the time. Kait, if you are reading this, you are an absolute doll and I am so very lucky to have met you this summer! Thank you for this afternoon. Really, truly, thank you.

I skyped with Lu tonight and it was nice to see her and hear her pretty voice again. She's only been gone for a week now but I already feel her absence tremendously. Every day I wish I could see her and give her a big hug and laugh with her and share the little moments that usually comprise our time together. It was nice to speak with her, though, and see how happy she is to be back in North Carolina. I know she was dreading leaving us behind to head back to High Point, but I also knew that she would be absolutely fine once she actually settled back down into college life, and she completely is, and I am so glad for her. I am already counting down the days until Thanksgiving weekend! Only 99 days to go.

It is now 11:00 p.m. My entire family has gone off to our respective bedrooms, making tonight one of the quietest summer evenings yet. I'm lying in bed, about to watch "Doubt" with Meryl Streep and Amy Adams. I have been meaning to see the film for a while now, especially since I love the play and actually did some scene work from the original script with my friend Ashley for a theatre class this spring. It is not by any means the happiest of films with which to end my day, but I think it's due at the library soon, and I don't feel very tired yet, so I figure now is as good a time as any to watch it. The entire main cast earned Oscar nominations, so I know at the very least that it will be fantastic.

I really want to phone someone right now but I am pretty sure my call will be less than well received. I always overthink things, though, so maybe the resistance I perceive to be real is merely my own worries coalescing into one giant mess.

We shall see.

Only six days until I head back to Mount Holyoke. Parting is bittersweet and something I am simultaneously dying for and dreading with all of my being.

u-s

I wish you missed me the way I miss you.
Actually, I really just wish you missed me at all.

How I felt today.

Tomorrow will be better, I hope.

descent, decline, desertion.

My heart drops
a little lower in my stomach
each time
I see the spark in your eyes
because
more often
than not
it flickers only
when you recall
a moment you spent
with her.

Shelf Life

Going back to school will be a welcomed change, if only because it will allow me to place you on a shelf and force myself to let the dust gather.

I have spent too many months picking you up from this makeshift display in my mind and my fingerprints have wearied the few spots where particles have had the chance to even begin collecting.

Show and tell is not meant for one
and you have been showing and telling to someone else
for longer than I readily admit.

verse redux

It is often said that artists, as a whole, are tortured souls. Surely this is not something that can be easily contested. Quite frankly, it really cannot be refuted at all. Just look at Van Gogh.

But I have been reading a slew of my favorite poetry collections lately, and I am starting to believe- really, truly and with my whole being- that poets are by far the most tormented when it comes to love.

In this I am as much a poet as I ever have been before.