Passenger Seat

I roll the window down
and then begin to breathe in
the darkest country road
and the strong scent of evergreen
from the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

Then looking upwards
I strain my eyes and try
to tell the difference between shooting stars and satellites
from the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

"Do they collide?"
I ask and you smile.
With my feet on the dash,
the world doesn't matter.

When you feel embarrassed, then I'll be your pride.
When you need directions, then I'll be the guide.
For all time,
for all time.

-Death Cab for Cutie
Their lyrics have always been poetry to me.

Constant

You are literally the only thing on my mind, morning, noon, and night.

Initiation

I had fun last night. :)

120 Gold Star Boulevard

Yesterday I had lunch with Alex, Leanne, Chris, Laura, Katie, and Tyler. We went to the Panera Bread in Worcester and just sat and talked for hours. It was so nice to all be back together again and to reaffirm that regardless of how much has changed, nothing has changed.

That is the best sort of constancy there is.

Boxes

I am le terrified to start unpacking. I definitely overpacked this year, although a lot of freshmen do so I am using that as my excuse to not feel too guilty about my own decision to bring way too much with me to school last September.

Too many bags and boxes!

I am finally about to start writing this paper.

Rachael and Olivia both left within the past hour, and I think the reality that the year really is coming to a close has finally hit me full force. I spent the morning helping Marilyn, Olivia's mum, bring the last elevator-load of Olivia's things down to their car. It was a nice excuse to procrastinate and in any case I was happy to help. I love Mamma Cucco!

I went down to lunch hoping to make myself a sandwich, but I forgot that it was Sunday and when I got to the dining hall it was all breakfast/brunch food, so I ended up taking a sleeve of rice cakes back to my room. I think I will eat them with peanut buttah, yum yum. While I was downstairs, I stopped in the kitchen to give the Ham-MacGregor dining staff a "thank-you" note. As boring as work in the dining halls might be, I absolutely loved getting to know the staff. At the beginning of the semester I made it my goal to learn all of their names (thirteen in all!), because I am a firm believer in appreciating everyone, especially those people who sometimes are forgotten or "melt into the background." The chefs in my dorm are so funny and cheerful and sweet! I honestly think I will miss them a bit next year. :)

Speaking of appreciation, today is Mother's Day and obviously I would like to make a shout-out to my own lovely mum! 

I love you so much!

Oh My Stars

'Cause I know a lot about closing doors,
but not a lot about what opens up yours.
Andrew Belle

Louis

I sat my last two exams today, French in the morning and Scottish Lit this afternoon. I have spent the evening packing up the things in my desk drawers and on my bookcase shelves, and all I have left to do for work is write a six-page paper for which I have already done all of the research. Why, then, when I am so close to finishing everything, when home is literally less than forty-eight hours away, can I not motivate myself to just start typing?

Rachael and Olivia both leave tomorrow. It will be weird saying goodbye, and even weirder being here when they are not.

More Pangy!

Here is a video my friend Stodd found from Pangy Day. It is a compilation of footage taken throughout the afternoon, and the first forty seconds or so are composed mostly of Project: Theatre playing around on Skinner Green. It is worth watching, too, though, for the clips from the maypole, and also to see our newly-inaugurated president, Lynn Pasquerella, throw the first pitch of the wiffle ball game and then give the most adorable "Happy Pangy Day" greeting right at the end. =)

I love my school!

My brain is slush.

After nine hours of meticulous reading and note-taking, all I want to do is scream. And sleep.

Bare

Yesterday night I came home to find most of my roommates' posters and pictures stripped from the walls of our room. It saddened me in a way I was not expecting. I decided I would leave up my own wall hangings until later in the week, but somewhere around eleven o'clock I caved in and began pulling everything down: the pictures from the left door of my wardrobe; my huge collage of photos from home; the "star" labeled "MISS MOON" that hung on the door that was a set piece for "Play Dead" (I played Miss Moon, and had someone not run after me the closing night of the show, I would have forgotten to take it!); the framed drawing of giraffes that I created when I was really little, maybe three or four, with a note on the back from my grandmother saying, "some people know what they like from a really young age"; the newspaper clipping of Kenda, the EcoTarium's polar bear, that Mum included in a care package once; the drawings of flowers that Olivia made me for my "Shape of Things" congratulatory bouquet; and even my name tag and the photos I posted on the bulletin board on the front of our door. (My huge whiteboard calendar would have come down, as well, had it not decided to fall off of its mounting and crash to the floor at approximately four o'clock in the morning about a week ago. All four of us woke up terrified that someone was breaking into our room; when I noticed the faint, square outline of white lying near my bed, I mumbled something along the lines of "Just my whiteboard" before we all went back to bed, our heartbeats slightly quickened. The next morning I thought to myself, I suppose this is a sign that it is time to start packing, but only now have I actually started.)

The only thing I have left standing is my beautiful print of Vincent Van Gogh's "Starry Night," which is poster-puttied (I may have made up that verb, "may" meaning "probably") to the back of Briana's wardrobe, and faces the head of my bed. I would have taken it down, but I have nowhere to place it where it would not stand the chance of creasing or wrinkling, and I love it far too much to risk that. So up it stays until the day I leave here, which is probably this Sunday.

The walls are so barren now and it is oddly melancholy. All of the white space surrounding us reminds me of how it feels when you first move in to a new house, and you have not yet had the time to hang anything up. My family has moved a fair amount, and the feeling of falling asleep to emptiness is one I still remember. Last night, I experienced it once more. I did not sleep particularly well last night, and I wonder if the walls - if this entire process of destructing what we ourselves created and built - had anything to do with it.

I find it funny to think that in a few months' time, four new first-year women will be moving in to this room, Ham 311, fitting their comforters onto the twin beds, filling the dresser drawers with clothes and belts and scarves, hanging pretty frocks or sweaters or jackets on the wardrobe rack and placing their shoes on its wooden floor, and taping or nailing or puttying or hanging their own photographs and posters and collages onto these white walls. It is hard to believe that nine months ago, Briana, Bridgette, Rachael, and I were the "new firsties," that other girls have lived here before. However plain this room might be - however unfortunate it is with its cold, grey linoleum flooring and the ugly cement pillars that interrupt the span of windows every fifteen feet and the north-facing windows themselves - however dull we sometimes found this room, it was still ours. This was a place where I went through so many of my highs and lows during my first year at Mount Holyoke. Next year, I will be living in a more beautiful building, creating another nine months of memories with a new roommate and perhaps, even, creating a new perspective. 

It is comforting to know, however, that these walls that surround us now, right at this moment, have lived before us, and even more so to realize that they will live again. 

Checklist

Today I am:
-attending my last day of classes! (Theatre, French, history, then DONE.)
-meeting Olivia for lunch in Blanchard.
-editing the script for The Importance of Being Earnest, sending the updated copy to Leanne, and continuing to plan for our meeting with UPSTAGE. (Fingers crossed!)
-watching "Trainspotting" with my Scottish Lit class while we devour delicious Hawaiian pizza.
-actually reading Louis XIV's Memoires pour le Dauphin so I can finally get started on this history paper.
-catching "Glee" at 8 pm? Maybe? I never watch television anymore.

Things standing between me and going home:
-two more classes (let's gooooo French and history).
-one history paper [yet again] on Louis XIV, at least six pages in length.
-three final exams, two of which I can self-schedule and self-proctor.
-taking down everything from the walls in my room and finding somewhere to store them where they won't wrinkle, crease, or otherwise self-destruct.
-packing up all of the things I brought with me here.....which is a lot.

I can do this!

Hogwarts

Finishing my night by re-reading Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone for the bajillionth time, all for an actual academic class? I love college.

Pangy Day!

With Stodd, a good friend and chair of Project: Theatre.

The cutest little hula-hooper ever.

Jojo and Libby.

Today was Pangy Day and it was the most fun I have had since I came to school in September. Everyone dressed in shorts and skirts and pretty frocks. Everyone glowed. Everyone spent the afternoon smiling and laughing and blowing bubbles and telling stories and hula-hooping and making ribbon wreaths and running around a gigantic maypole and loving each other. (To see more pictures that I took this afternoon, click here.)

Today I fell in love with my school for all of the beauty within it, for the amazing women who surround each other with love and joy and support. I am so very, very tired, and unfortunately rather sunburned on my shoulders, but I am, more than anything else, so content with who I am and where I am at this moment in time.

Aujourd'hui, c'est magnifique.

Today it is absolutely gorgeous out! Both yesterday and today started out rather dreary-- slightly muggy, but cold and damp more than anything else. The sun has fought through, though, and the weather is purely glorious. Walking across campus numerous times in one day has become a treat and not a begrudging reality. The air smells wonderful, the birds are singing in full force, the trees' branches finally have sprouted green buds, flowers are bursting, clouds are moving against a pristine blue backdrop, and my mood is fantastically elevated.

My personal life, as of late, has been relatively tough, but tremendous things have been happening here at school.

01. Olivia and I were able to get a double in one of our Top 5 dorms, Abbey Hall, which was built in 1937 and is so so beautiful!

It's hard to see in this picture, but it's quite pretty and the common spaces are beautiful, far cries from the dorm I live in now. Abbey is close to the theatre as well as the music building, making it convenient for both of us! It is also much closer to the center of campus and the main greens, which I am so happy about! Having lived relatively "off" campus this year, I am ready for the change.

02. I got the job I applied for! Starting next fall, I will be working as a Peer Mentor for the Speaking, Arguing, and Writing (SAW) Program here at Mount Holyoke College. As mentors, we work with fellow MHC students to help them develop their writing and speaking, regardless of where they might be in the creation process. As someone looking to possibly make a career in the publishing industry, this is the perfect job for me! Not to mention two other great things about it: a) I get to work with all different sorts of people, all of the time and b) my friend Lizzie is also going to be a SAW mentor with me!

03. I have been voted Secretary of Project: Theatre for the upcoming 2011-2012 academic year! P:T is the student theatre organization here on campus, and of the four shows I performed in this year, three of them were run through P:T. I can honestly say that I found my family in this organization-- the girls who devote their time to this group are absolutely amazing individuals, ones who I adore and trust and love deeply. I cannot wait to start giving back not only to Project: Theatre but also to the larger Mount Holyoke community as well!

04. I have been selected to be an Orientation Leader this coming fall! I am so excited!! Move-in day for me will now be Wednesday, August 24, some time in the late afternoon. Orientation training lasts for about ten days and then the real fun begins when all of the newly-admitted international students arrive (and when the rest of the Class of 2015 joins them a few days later). I did not have a particularly great experience in my own orientation group this year, and one of my largest goals is to help my own group of students have a warm, happy, positive first experience here on campus-- the one I never really had. It has taken me six months to realize how much there is to love about this school, and if I can, I want to show these girls how wonderful their four years here can be-- right off the bat.
 
05. I have been selected to receive some sort of French award at the French Department's end-of-year ceremony this coming Tuesday. I was really surprised when I received the invitation in my mailbox, but I will say that it is nice to know that all of my hard butt-busting work this year has apparently paid off.

06. I finished my last day of lighting prep crew this afternoon, which means I have officially completed the second of seven non-course requirements needed for my theatre major. It is a little victory, but one that makes me happy regardless.

07. Tomorrow night I am going to Smith to see Janelle Monáe perform live! Olivia, Noreen, and my friend Catia (who was the dinosaur in The Skin of Our Teeth, see second and third photos) are all coming, too. Janelle is an amazing performer and I am ecstatic to be able to say that she will be my third concert ever. I will try to take some pictures if I can.

08. This really cool annual event known as Pangy Day is this Friday afternoon! It is described as a combination of an end-of-year celebration mixed with a glorification of Earth Day. There is a campus-wide picnic on the green with entertainment in our amphitheater and then an entire afternoon of earth-friendly fun, including a maypole! I cannot wait! Hopefully I will take lots of pictures. For more information about Pangy Day, how it came to be, and pictures from last year's event, click here.

09. This weekend is going to be full of busy-ness but also a lot of happiness. On Friday I am going to see two different theatre performances, one from Project: Theatre called "Searching for Candi," and a student-written-and-produced piece called "Lost Time, Found Space" performed in collaboration with the Theatre department. Yum yum yum arts. On Saturday I have two meetings: my first ever Project: Theatre board meeting (!) and the Verbosity Literary Magazine release party. I also think I am going to try to go to Amherst Library for a few hours to see if I can't get a head start on my impending essay of doom (also known as "yet another examination of Louis XIV's power-hungry craze"). Saturday night I am going to UMass to see Leanne and also Jessie and Curtis, Hoang, Sasha, and others. I have not really seen anyone there in a long time, so I am looking forward to having one last "hurrah" before finals roll around and everyone becomes crazycrazycrazy. Then on Sunday, Mount Holyoke is hosting this really cool event called "Holi," which I think is sort of like intense, all-out body painting. I finish my weekend with my very first orientation leader meeting, as well as an evening curled up with Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, which, as a treat, we are discussing during our final Scottish Lit class on Monday. Delish as a fish.

10. Only four more days of classes, and only eleven more days until I can say I have finished my freshman year of college and I can come home!!! I am seriously so ancy. I love my friends here, of course, but I am really looking forward to spending three solid months at home, with my family and my high school friends. All that stands in my way, besides four days of classes, are three final exams and one six-page essay (and the Theatre department's end-of-year picnic, though I'm not complaining about yummy food and good company!).

Earlier this afternoon, Noreen and I came out of French class, spent a good ten minutes picking dandelions, and then had lunch together, during which time I built myself a dandelion crown. We exalted in the sun's beautiful rays, and though these pictures from my camera aren't great quality, I think the joy in the air is still visible.

It is still so lovely and sunny out! I think I will change into shorts, pull on my sneakers and go for a quiet walk around the lake. Maybe I will bring my camera.

The song of the day, half in honor of tomorrow night's concert and half because I love it and cannot get it out of my head, is "Oh, Maker" by Janelle Monáe.

Oh, Maker, tell me did you know
this love would burn so yellow,
becoming orange and in its time,
explode from grey to black to bloody wine?

Oh, Maker, have you ever loved,
or known just what it was?
I can't imagine the bitter end
of all the beauty that we're living in.


Have a glorious Wednesday afternoon!

s(He) killed it with kisses, and from it s(He) fled.

In Florence's version, the female is so strong.
Why, then, in this reality, am I the one who ends up so weak?

Leave all your love and your loving behind--
you can't carry it with you if you want to survive.

I'm going home tonight!

Thank goodness, too.

Shout-out to my roommate Briana:

Thank you for what you said to me last night.
You made me feel so much better.
I needed that.

Three Weeks

Is everyone afraid of time and space these days?

Unfinished

Tell me this banality staring me in the face
is not your way
of letting me know
you no longer feel.
Five words --
it's
not
you
it's
me
-- grotesquely overused in
adolescent
melodramas
and shamelessly mocked
by maturity's
cynical, biting malignity.
With twenty-six letters
from which to tear the arteries
straight from my heart
you choose merely nine.
Am I not worth more than that?
Are the remaining seventeen
too difficult to manipulate
or have you tired of
manipulation
altogether?

I cannot say what exists between us
now
nor am I certain
that what bound us before
was ever a form of existence.

2:37 PM -- 4.19.2011