blanchard

You saw me and immediately turned your back to me and walked away.
I'm not sure I've ever felt more like trash.
Is that how you think of me?

all of me

I didn't think I'd spend my entire drive back to school wiping tears away from my eyes.

Then again, I didn't think I'd spend the rest of the year without you.

Breathing is almost impossible when I think about you.

the learning gap

Sometimes I have these moments where I forget that you aren't in my life anymore. I'll see something that reminds me of you or brings back memories from something we experienced together, and I'll reach for the phone to call you, or open up a new e-mail to tell you about it. Sometimes I get as far as hearing the phone ring before remembering you, on the other end of the line, aren't really there anymore.

I'm not sure why I forget, but when I suddenly remember, it's like my heart breaks open all over again. You've left this unbelievably huge void and I just can't seem to understand how I didn't become a part of you, too.

No amount of education will ever help me comprehend why you left without even really saying goodbye. I thought "I promise I'm not going to leave this time, I want to spend my life with you" meant forever, but maybe I've had my definitions wrong this whole time.

(let's do it tonight)

Do you remember the first time we danced together? Our veins pulsing with adrenaline and liquor, our hands greedy for touch but afraid of rejection, as the words to "Give Me Everything Tonight" pulsed in the background and convinced us what we felt was not only organic but also meant to be.

I wish I could be dancing with you tonight, feeling your body pressed tight against mine as you kiss my neck. (I'm so afraid you will kiss someone else.)

holes

Today I thought about how much I loved when you laugh. Anytime you smiled, I fell in love with you all over again. There was so much comfort in the way you looked at me, with love and intensity in your eyes.

I miss whispering "goodnight" to you as I wrap my arm around your stomach and pull you closer.

My pillows still smelled like you. I finally washed them, but your scent lingers. I feel like you left so much of you behind, but I'm afraid I didn't even leave a trace of myself with you.

intentions

The last time you did this, you called me exactly two weeks after you broke all contact. We've hit that mark again. I'm trying really hard not to wait for the phone to ring. Lately, though, I've discovered that my willpower doesn't stand a chance against my heart.

i feel like puking

My friend just told me she saw you on Tinder.
Are you already looking for somebody else?

These days I don't even want to look for myself.

insomnia

Fuck.
I miss you so much.

You are still in my dreams
(which haven't quite caught up to reality,
since there we are in love) --
but lately
I fear closing my eyes
to find you've disappeared.

I don't want to
be alone
awake
and
asleep.

Being without you,
my eyes open,
is hard
enough.


Today the air smelled like
that first August night
when you leaned in
unexpectedly
and changed my life.

They say smell
is the strongest form of memory,
but I'm so afraid
you've forgotten.


I would give anything
to feel your warm skin
as it promises me
everything will be
okay.

morning glory

Sometimes I think the hardest part is waking up without you.

loss: a checklist

God I miss dancing with you.

I miss touching your skin and feeling your lips kiss mine.

I miss your laugh. I still hear it sometimes, but I miss the way it sounded when it happened because of me.

I miss the way we would look at each other, having entire conversations through our eyes. (You have such beautiful brown eyes.)

I miss your soft snore and your complaints about my hair getting in your face as you slept.

I miss the comfort of having someone who knows everything about me.

I miss talking about our future, imagining our lives becoming one life together, no matter the obstacle.

I miss running my hands through your hair and rubbing your back for hours on end, even when you'd fall asleep before returning the favor.

I miss your intellect. You are so inquisitive and I think maybe I fell in love with you because of that. But then I fell in love with every other bit of you; there was (and still is) so much to love.

I miss going out with you and holding hands as we passed by strangers, wondering if they looked at us and saw beauty in our love.

I miss driving on the highway singing Avril Lavigne at the top of our lungs.

I miss our intimacy. Nothing else could or ever will compare.

I even miss those times you'd run towards me full force to envelop me in a hug (even though I was usually terrified you'd knock me over).

Mostly, though, I just miss my best friend.

Elucidate this:

your ability to take the most important person in your life and pretend you never met her.

Sometimes, I wish you hadn't.


(Nothing feels worse than being invisible
to the one person who used to call me
his world.)

evolutionary theory

does it matter who looked first?

the point is
we were both
looking

(small things)

Yesterday was the first day I didn't cry.

(one humble request)

But like for real, please stop dangling yourself in front of me.

I get it, you're happy.
Do you really need to laugh that loudly?

dystopia

Today I accidentally rediscovered one of our favorite spots to escape everything and just exist. It was a kind of haven, and we were pretty sure nobody else knew about it.

Someone else was there today.

this is why it hurts

everything to nothing
in one week

snapshots

After a summer apart, you pedaling toward Gorse as fast as your legs allowed, dropping your bike to the ground, and running over to me to scoop me up in your arms and kiss me hello.

Sitting on a bench watching the winds sweep across Lower Lake as sunshine kissed our shoulders, then the sound of your laughter as a heron flew directly at my face and landed a foot away from me and refused to stop looking at me or move away from the bench.

Waking up to find our hands the way we left them when we fell asleep, together with fingers intertwined.

Dancing to "What Does the Fox Say" at my friend's wedding and being so unabashedly our ridiculous selves in front of the 40+ crowd. That was two weeks ago.

Midnight walks around campus with only fireflies to keep us company.

eden

regeneration is so difficult
when you've forgotten how to
grow

my body stretches
toward the sun
but my roots dig themselves
deeper

somewhere there is soil
flush with all the nutrients
they tell you you need

but
i don't remember
the last time
i felt nourished